


Open Forum In The Dark

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Heartache, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Loss, M/M, Smut, Starting Over
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 17:35:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7183550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Dean wants is for his brother, Sam to be happy. Sam should never have left college to become a hunter. Dean has a choice to make, will be be willing to give up his own happiness for Sam's by losing the one person that he truly loves?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Open Forum In The Dark

Even though he didn't need to sleep, Cas spent every night resting his head on Dean's chest. Most nights Dean was peaceful and fell asleep quickly, but some nights he was restless. Tonight was one of those nights. Cas knew not to ask him if he wanted to talk, Dean was lost in his own head, but it didn't scare Cas anymore. Dean was still moody, it was in his nature, but the angry recklessness had settled over time. Cas loved him unconditionally, and he knew that Dean loved him back. Theirs was a love story that didn't make sense on paper. Hell, it didn't make sense at all, but Cas would always remember the night that they knew...

Dean had a complicated backstory. He was a hunter, or at least that's how it all started. He and his younger brother, Sam, had been raised to hunt. In the beginning they hunted monsters, the things that people hear about, but never actually see. Their lives went from complicated to unbelievable when they started to associate with demons, when they started making deals, when they met Cas. Cas was a nickname that Dean had given him. It was just a shortened version of his true name, his god given name, Castiel. Castiel was an angel of the lord. Castiel's role in the Winchester brothers lives was supposed to be temporary and short lived, but that was years ago. The first time he saw Dean Winchester he knew that Dean needed to be saved. It wasn't the werewolves, vampires, or even demons that scared Castiel, it was Dean himself. Dean had been his own worst enemy. They had fought with one another and against one another, but they always found their way. It took Dean years to finally see exactly how important Cas was to him, but ever since that night, they had never looked back. It was a fight, and it was a bloody one, but they finished the job. The Winchesters always finished the job. They had fought their way into a small window of escape when Dean saw Cas crumpled on the concrete floor. Cas dimly heard Sam shouting that they needed to hurry Although he was loyal, he was level headed and knew that Cas could take care of himself. The heavy footsteps kept coming closer until Cas could feel Dean reach down to wrap an arm around him. Cas may be an angel, but Dean wasn't going to leave him behind. Cas told him to go...

"Dean," Cas whispered weakly, "just go. I'll be fine."

"I'm not leaving you behind, Cas."

"You need to leave, now."

Dean choked back a sob, "I can't leave you here. Damnit Cas, I need you." Dean pulled him from the floor and wrapped an arm around his body to help him walk, "I need you" he said quietly. He didn't want to picture a life without Cas, and if that was what killed him in the end, then so be it. 

Sam might be level headed but he knew that no matter how hard he tried, it would be Cas that ultimately saved Dean. He held the door and they made their escape.

After a lifetime spent on the road, the brothers had stumbled upon a now defunct group that had studied the supernatural, The Men of Letters. Their grandfather had been a member, and the boys were considered legacies. They had been given the keys to a bunker in Kansas, and that is where they finally found a home. The home where Dean brought Cas that night.

Cas may have been an angel, but he resided in a human vessel that needed to heal. Dean helped him to his bed and sat in a chair watching over him for days, tears running down his face at the thought of losing him. It was when Dean finally broke through the strictures of masculinity that had been so firmly planted into his being, and crawled into the bed to wrap his arms around another man that he knew, Cas was his once in a lifetime love. He hadn't spent a night alone since, he knew that he couldn't live without Cas.

Once Cas had healed, they would spend hours behind the closed door in the dark exploring each other's bodies. Dean would run his calloused hands across Cas's soft skin, and with innocence and eagerness Cas would pull Dean to him. Sam accepted it and just smiled when he watched his brother show a gentle affection that he never knew existed. Cas had asked Dean if he wanted him to give up his angel grace, but Dean refused to let him. He had fallen in love with Cas as he was, and didn't want him to change. Over time Cas learned how to be more 'human' and Dean learned to accept Cas's angelic quirks. 

\-------------------------

Dean hadn't slept well, but did finally doze off. With no windows in the bedroom, it was hard to tell night from day and he only had the red numbers on the clock next to his bed to tell him if it was a.m. or p.m.. He was starting to stir in his sleep when he felt Cas's hands on him. They had made love the night before, but Cas could be insatiable. He hadn't even opened his eyes yet when he felt Cas slide down the length of his body and take his cock into his hands, rubbing and squeezing until Dean was hard. He reached down to tangle his fingers through Cas's hair when he felt him drag his tongue across the head. Cas lightly licked and sucked before he would pull his head back. He was being a tease this morning. Dean gently pressed his head down, encouraging him. Cas knew how much Dean appreciated his mouth, especially when he was waking up. He wrapped his lips around the head and ran his tongue in circles, eliciting a moan. His hand gently stroked the smooth skin until he finally gave Dean what he wanted and took the length of him into his mouth, swirling his tongue. Dean moaned again as Cas bobbed his head up and down, sliding his hand along the base. Dean never came quickly in the morning. With his other hand, Cas gently squeezed Dean's balls and took his cock down his throat as far as it would go. He loved how Dean tasted. He knew when Dean started rocking his hips and gripping his hair that he was going to come. Cas opened his throat and let Dean push his head down one final time before he felt the hot sticky fluid. He swallowed and crawled back up the bed, finally breaking the silence. "Good morning." he smiled.

"Good morning baby." Dean whispered, his eyes still shut. He reached out blindly and pulled Cas to him.

\-------------------------

"Hey Sammy, have you found anything?" Dean asked as he set his coffee cup on the table and sank into the chair across from his brother. Sam briefly looked up from his laptop and shook his head.

"Everything looks quiet out there. I don't know if we should be relieved or worried." Sam answered wearily. Every day they checked news articles, weather patterns, reports of strange phenomenon, looking for a case. Sometimes Sam wondered if they should stop looking. He closed his laptop and pushed it away from him. "I don't know why I do this anymore. When something big happens, it comes to us. We stopped dealing with the small shit a long time ago, Dean."

"But it's the small shit that keeps us on the top of our game." 

Although equally strong and knowledgeable, the brothers had their own reasons to hunt. It was in Dean's blood, it was all that Dean saw when he looked in the mirror, he didn't know any other life. It was the path that their father chose for them as children and he was the best hunter out there. Sam wasn't built that way, Sam had walked away from the life. But, after four years in college, the life came looking for him. His once in a lifetime love, Jess, was killed by a demon, the same demon that had killed their mother. Sam wanted vengeance, and they got it, but he never turned back. He had accepted that he was a Winchester, and Winchesters were hunters. 

"But don't you ever get tired, Dean? If there is something out there, we both know that at this point it will show up on our doorstep." He sighed and without saying another word, he stood up and walked away. These were the conversations that made Dean feel guilty. He'd spent a lifetime trying to protect his brother, and always felt like Sam deserved more. 

\-------------------------

Dean was restless. Cas knew of two ways to alleviate that, and since things seemed calm and there was no hunt, he knew what he needed to do. Dean had just crawled in bed and turned off the lamp when Cas rolled on his side and propped himself up on one elbow. He slid his hand across Dean's chest, making sure that his fingers gently touched Dean's sensitive nipples. Dean moaned and rolled Cas on his back, settling himself between Cas's legs. "You are one horny little angel," he whispered in Cas's ear before pressing their lips together. He kissed him hard and deep, already rocking his hips. This wasn't a night to take their time exploring each other's bodies. Cas reached for the bottle of lube on the nightstand and panted, "where do you want me?" He wasn't surprised when Dean rolled him onto his stomach and pulled his hips up, Dean was in the mood to fuck. He bent down and slid his tongue across Cas's hole, he knew that was all it took to get Cas hard. Cas was already breathing heavy, and slid his hips back when he felt Dean slip the first finger inside of him. Dean knew where to touch him. He reveled in the painful pleasure when he felt the second finger. He was ready to beg Dean for his cock when he felt him slide his fingers out and press the head against him. It still hurt when Dean would slide himself deep inside, but then he felt Dean reach his arm around and wrap his hand around his own hard cock. Every stroke of his hand matched the thrusts as Dean slid in and out, hitting Cas's sweet spot each time. This never lasted long, they both came quickly moaning each other's names. Cas loved it and Dean needed it. Cas slid his body flat onto the bed, sweating and breathing heavy as Dean rolled on to his back next to him, trying to catch his own breath. "Damn, I can barely keep up with you." Dean whispered. Cas handed him tissues for his hand and curled up next to him. Dean threw the sticky tissues on the floor and pulled Cas into his arms. "I need to get out of here for awhile. Let's go somewhere. The beach, or the mountains, Vegas, just somewhere."

Cas smiled in the dark. Maybe getting away for a few days would help take the edge off. "Do you still have the keys to Bobby's cabin?" Bobby was the boy's adopted uncle, and yet more like a father than John Winchester had ever been. When Bobby had died a couple of years ago, he left everything to Sam and Dean, including his 'charming' cabin. 

"We have them somewhere around here. Is that where you want to go? Go play in the woods and forget about the real world for a few days?"

"Can you forget about the real world for a few days?" Cas knew that no matter how relaxed Dean seemed, he was always looking for a fight.

"I stopped worrying about werewolves a long time ago. If you want to go up there, that's where we'll go." He bent down and kissed Cas on top of the head. Dean very rarely told Cas that he loved him, but the kiss he dropped on the top of Cas's head said it for him.

\-------------------------

Dean knew he wouldn't get cell service, and he hated leaving Sam without a car, but this is something that he and Cas needed. Nobody had been to the cabin in years, so it was bittersweet when Dean heard the click of the deadbolt and opened the door. He still thought about Bobby every single day, Bobby had never given up on him. All they had left was this old cabin and the burnt remnants of Singer Salvage, Bobby's home. He knew that if there were any place that could bring him peace, this was it, and Cas had known that when he made the choice to come here. Dean didn't bring his computer to watch movies, he didn't complain about the fact that there was no television in the cabin, he just wanted to be with Cas. Dean checked on the power and water while Cas put away the food that Dean had brought. They worked together to shake out blankets and check for mice. When they finally got the water to turn clear and the bed in the small bedroom made, they flopped down on the couch, Dean resting his head in Cas's lap.

"Cas?"

"Hhmmm?" Cas responded, lazily running his fingers through Dean's dark hair .

"So, you still go up to heaven. I mean technically you're still part of the god squad."

"Yes..."

"What do they have you do now?"

Cas was surprised, Dean never asked him about his duties, he barely acknowledged when Cas got orders and had to leave to fulfill them. "They don't consider me a reliable soldier anymore, not since they decided that I was consorting with demons. I do still have seniority and basically I just check to make sure that everything is running smoothly."

"But you still have all of your abilities?"

"Yes, they never took those away."

"Do you ever see anybody?"

"That I knew as a human? No. They don't allow that. My original orders only involved you and Sam, and it was supposed to be a very temporary situation. Nobody has ever dealt with humanity as closely as I have, at least nobody who kept their grace intact and didn't fall."

Dean winked up at him and gave him a grin, "so I'm the only one with my own horny little angel."

Cas laughed, "you are, and it makes my brothers and sisters quite uncomfortable knowing that I have a carnal relationship with a human."

"Wow, when you put it like that it sounds pretty hot."

Dean leaned up and gave Cas a sweet kiss. Cas started to deepen the kiss but Dean pulled back, "as much as I do appreciate our carnal relationship, unlike you I need to eat." Cas smiled as he watched Dean walk into the kitchen. He had no idea that he would be able to not only love a human, but love one as much as he loved Dean Winchester. He would do anything for Dean.

\-------------------------

Dean was exhausted from the long drive and fell asleep on the couch wrapped in Cas's arms that night. Cas loved watching him sleep, it had bothered Dean until Cas finally explained that it was the only time he looked truly peaceful. 

\-------------------------

They got about 20 yards from the cabin when Cas stopped walking, "if we are going to hike today that means no looking for monsters, no cataloging what might be out here, no coming up with a plan of attack. It's just you and me in the woods."

Dean reached over and kissed Cas on the temple, "I know, baby. It's just about you and me.".

Cas had only been to the cabin on one other occasion and it was when they were using it as a temporary shelter to strategize, he knew nothing of the surrounding woods or streams. He wanted to hear Dean's stories about the time he and Sam spent here as children. Bobby always encouraged them to act like kids, and not small soldiers, he never agreed with the way that John Winchester raised his boys. These were the woods where he and Sam played, actually played. Dean pointed out trees that still bore the markings of their carved names, the turn in the stream where they would use rocks to form a dam, the rope swing that Bobby had built for them that now hung splintered and broken. Cas held his hand and smiled as they hiked around for hours, Dean rediscovering pieces of his childhood.

\-------------------------

"I want to make a new memory in these woods," Dean whispered, pushing Cas against a large tree. He leaned in for a deep kiss and slid his hand between their bodies, rubbing Cas through his pants. 

"You really want to do this outside?"

"Cas, I'm about to unzip your pants and drop to my knees, and you're complaining about the location?"

Cas pulled him in for another deep kiss.

"There's my horny little angel." Dean smiled as he dropped to his knees in the dirt and freed Cas's cock. He wrapped his hand around the base and slid his tongue along the shaft, ignoring the sensitive head. He licked the ridge under the head and slid his tongue back down to the base, slowly moving his hand up and down as he licked. Finally he gently ran his tongue across the head and took it into his mouth, softly sucking and swirling his tongue. Cas gasped and reached down to run his fingers through Dean's hair. He loved watching Dean give him head. Dean leaned his head forward, taking as much of Cas in as he could, but it was painfully slow and Cas could only groan. Dean smiled at the sound of Cas's frustration and continued to gently lick and suck, slowly letting him build. When Cas started rocking his hips, trying to get more, Dean used his free hand to hold him back against the tree. He could tell when Cas couldn't take it anymore and he began to slide his head back and forth, still stroking with his hand. When he felt the familiar throb and Cas's fingers tighten in his hair he slid his head as far forward as he could and barely got Cas's cock down his throat before he felt the hot sticky come. He continued to gently lick and stroke until he knew that Cas couldn't take anymore. He tucked Cas back into his pants, stood up, and placed a kiss on his lips. "New memories in the woods." he said softly. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck, he wanted to tell him how much he loved him, but that was such a fine line. He knew that although what they had only came along once in a lifetime, those three words were still hard for Dean. "Thank you, Dean. I...I just...thank you." he said with tears in his eyes. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas's waist and whispered, "I know, baby, I know. Me too." He carved their names and the date into the tree and kissed Cas gently. "Now that will always be there."

\--------------------------

They didn't make it any farther than the front porch the next day. Cas sat propped up against the wall with Dean between his legs, leaning against his chest. Dean just talked. He told Cas things that he'd never told anyone. He told Cas about locking himself in the bathroom, sick to his stomach, after watching Sam make his first kill. He blamed himself for the deaths of his father, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and all of the others that he'd cared about. He cried when he told Cas that even though he was called a hunter, he was really a monster. Cas just wrapped his arms around him and listened. They didn't move until Dean's voice was becoming raw and the sun was starting to set.

\-------------------------

It was their last night at the cabin and neither one of them wanted to leave, but Dean felt guilty leaving Sam with no way to get a hold of him and no vehicle.

They were sitting side by side in front of the old iron fireplace sharing a blanket.

"Cas, do you ever regret any of it?"

"Any of what? You?"

"Not just me. I mean all of the shit that has gone on. The demons, the fights."

Cas wasn't sure how to answer that question. "How could I regret the things that brought us together?" He desperately wanted to ask Dean if something was bothering him, but he knew better.

Dean slid his body behind Cas, trapping him between his legs. Instead of pulling him back to rest against his chest, he reached forward and slowly slid his hands up the back of his shirt. He stopped just before he reached the two long marks on the sides of his shoulder blades, the skin that held Cas's wings. Cas took a deep breath and pulled his shirt over his head. Dean was the only being who had ever touched his back, and only Dean knew what it did to him. It wasn't sexual for Cas, it was intimate, it was the ultimate intimacy. Dean placed his lips against Cas's spine and he gently ran his fingers over the thin skin. He wanted to feel as close to Cas as he could. He slipped off his own shirt and finally pulled Cas to him, his bare back resting against Dean's bare chest. He wrapped his arms around him and softly kissed his neck. "I know that I'm not good with words, Cas." he whispered. "There are only two things in this world that mean anything to me, and I need you to know that you are one of them. That will never change." Dean rested his chin on Cas's shoulder and watched the shadows of the flames dance on the walls, he couldn't see the tears in the corner of Cas's eyes, but he knew that they were there. He turned Cas in his arms until they were face to face. "So beautiful," he whispered as he leaned in for a long kiss, pressing Cas gently to the floor. Dean never knew that it was possible to make love to a man, to take his time and use gentle hands, not until he touched Cas for the first time. His hands followed his mouth as he kissed his way down Cas's body. He slid his boxers off and ran his hands back up Cas's thighs and hips, he didn't touch his cock, he wasn't ready for that yet. Dean touched and kissed every inch of skin until finally running his hands down Cas's arms and intertwining their fingers when their hands met. He held their locked hands above Cas's head and slid his body until they were chest to chest, their faces just inches apart. Dean could see the love and trust in the blue of Cas's eyes, he could get lost in those eyes. Cas let go of his hands and reached to run his fingers along Dean's shoulders and down his back. He desperately wanted Dean, but he didn't want this to end. The feeling of Dean's body against his, the smell of his skin was intoxicating. Nobody else saw this gentle side of Dean, it belonged to him. "I want to feel you," Cas whispered, lifting his head for a long and lingering kiss. Dean just nodded and folded up the blanket before he slid it under Cas's hips. Cas closed his eyes and leaned his head back when he felt Dean press against him. "I need you, Dean" he whispered as he rocked his hips, encouraging him. He wanted Dean inside of him. In one fluid movement, Dean buried himself deep and kept his hips still, he wasn't ready to move. Cas let out soft sighs and quiet moans as Dean kissed his neck, his shoulders, his face. Dean's tongue slowly explored Cas's mouth. It wasn't until Cas started rocking his hips that Dean began to move. They locked eyes when Dean pressed his hand against the side of Cas's face, he knew that nobody could ever make him feel the way that Cas did. They rocked and touched and kissed until they were both throbbing. Cas finally led Dean's hand to his cock and started slowly sliding it up and down, he wasn't going to last much longer. It only took a few strokes before Cas cried out Dean's name and came against Dean's hand and on to his own stomach. He barely heard Dean moan through his final thrusts before his sunk his tired and sweaty body on top of him and buried his face in Cas's neck. Cas could have stayed like that forever, and felt something akin to sadness when Dean rolled off of him and onto his back, still trying to catch his breath while he cleaned up the mess. He finally rolled on his side and propped himself up one one elbow. He lifted Cas's chin and bent down to press their lips together, sliding his fingers up the side of Cas's face. "Baby..." he mumbled, unable to tear his eye's away from Cas's. "I know Dean, me too." Dean laid back and pulled Cas to him, kissing him on the top of the head before he drifted off. 

\-------------------------

The drive home was long and quiet. Cas hadn't wanted their time at the cabin to end, and Dean was lost in his own thoughts. He finally parked the car in front of the bunker and turned to Cas. "Home sweet home," he whispered as he pulled Cas in for a kiss before he cut the engine. They grabbed their bags and went inside.

"Cas?" Dean said softly in the dark. They had said their hello's to Sam and gone to bed.

"Yes Dean?"

"You said that you still have your abilities, right?"

"Yes."

Dean took a deep breath, "I need to ask you something."

"Okay..." Cas said slowly, Dean was finally ready to talk about what had been weighing on his mind.

"I need you to send me back." Dean whispered.

Cas froze. "Send you back?"

"I need to find the demon that killed my mom and Jessica and stop him. Sam never should have lost Jess, he never should have left school. He shouldn't have started hunting again."

Cas sat up and moved away from Dean, "Dean, there is no guarantee that you'll be able to find him or kill him."

"I have to try. Sam deserves more than this life."

"And you don't?"

Dean was searching for Cas's face in the dark. He knew that Cas was going to be hurt by this, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. He'd spent his entire life looking out for Sam, protecting Sam. Every day he saw the sadness behind Sam's smile when he watched Cas and Dean. "I was built for this life Cas, Sam wasn't. The kid studied pre-law. He was just a few days away from his law school interview when Jess died. He was on his way to a real life. If there is a chance that I can give that to him, I have to try."

"Dean, what makes Sam's happiness more important than yours?" Cas asked softly, his voice shaking.

"I owe it to him."

Cas could barely speak. "You do understand that if you go back and you kill that demon then you will change your path. None of this will exist anymore Dean."

After a long silence Dean finally whispered, "I know, Cas."

Dean heard the fluttering and knew that Cas had left. For the first time in over a year, Dean spent the night in his bed alone.

\-------------------------

They had been back from the cabin for days, but Sam hadn't seen Cas since that night. It was obvious to him that Dean wasn't sleeping. He knew that Dean wouldn't talk, but he knew that he had to ask anyway. 

"Dean? Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine, Sammy." Dean had been waiting for this.

"It's just...I haven't seen Cas, and you...well honestly you look like shit."

Dean raised his head and looked at his brother from across the table, "Thanks Sam."

"No, I mean you look like you haven't slept in days. You barely leave your room. You can't tell me that everything is okay.

"Well, it is." Dean stood up and walked away from the table. 

Sam just watched him go. If something had gone wrong between Dean and Cas, he had to find a way to fix it. Cas was Dean's only chance at happiness.

\-------------------------

Dean laid on his bed with his arm thrown over his eyes, just like he had for days. Cas still hadn't come back. Cas was lost to him forever. If he came back and refused to help, they wouldn't be able to live with that between them. If he sent Dean back and he was able to kill the demon, they would never meet. 

"I'll do it." Dean heard Cas's soft voice in the dark. He sat up in bed, trying to sense where Cas was, but afraid to turn on the lamp.

"Cas?"

"I said that I'll do it, Dean."

"Okay. Don't...don't leave again. Stay, we'll get this figured out."

"There's nothing to figure out, we both know how this story ends. But, you are a selfish bastard for taking me to the cabin, for telling me goodbye that way."

Dean sighed. Cas was right, he was a selfish bastard. "Then stay, Cas and we'll do it your way. This is killing me." 

"This is killing you?" Cas asked, moving out of the corner. "If you do this, if you kill that demon then I will be nothing. I will not exist in your world. You will always exist in mine. You know that time is different for me. Your path changes, mine doesn't."

"You can't come find me? We can't meet again somehow?"

"Dean, you made a deal with a demon to save Sam's life, that is how we met. We can't recreate that circumstance, and I can't just show up and try to convince you that I'm the angel of the lord who will love you for all of eternity."

"Cas, come here." Dean whispered. He felt the mattress sink under Cas's weight, but was afraid to reach out and touch him. 

"I can't refuse you, Dean. You know that. I've made arrangements. I'll send you back tomorrow." Cas sobbed. Reflexively Dean reached out to pull him into his arms. 

"Stay with me tonight." Dean whispered. Cas clung to him and they cried together.

"I'll stay with you, Dean." Cas finally said, softly. "But I can't make love to you. I want to remember our last time as the night next to the fire."

"I just want to see you, Cas. I want to touch you."

Cas couldn't say no. He led him down the hallway and into the bathroom. He took off his clothes and turned on the shower. He'd always loved the way that Dean's skin felt under the hot water, how his body smelled, and he knew that the water would wash away his tears so that Dean wouldn't see them. Cas could cry all night, but he knew that it wasn't going to change Dean's mind. He climbed under the hot stream and waited to see if Dean would join him. Dean slid his arms around him from behind and ran his hands up Cas's chest. He rested his forehead against his back and could feel his body trembling. "You're my once in a lifetime, Cas." he said as he brought his lips to the sensitive skin next to Cas's shoulder blade. Cas reached up and held Dean's hands against him while Dean gently kissed up and down both of the marks on his back. He knew that nobody would ever touch his back again. He couldn't look at Dean, not yet, he just wanted to feel him. They cried while Dean held him. Cas finally turned around and locked his blue eyes with Dean's bright green ones. Cas had never seen eyes like Dean's. He placed a hand on either side of Dean's perfect face and pulled him in for a soft and gentle kiss. Cas was an angel, he would never forget and he would never get over Dean. Every moment they had spent together was seared into his very being. But, he knew that in a matter of days he would be lost to Dean.They had both run out of tears, and the water was running cold when they finally turned it off and stepped out. They took their time drying each other's bodies before wrapping the towels around their waists and walking to back to the bedroom that would be theirs for one last night. 

Dean didn't sleep, and they didn't talk. Cas rested his head on Dean's chest and listened to his heart beat while Dean ran his fingers through his hair and kissed him on the top of his head. Cas knew what he meant, Cas knew what he was trying to tell him, but it didn't make him feel any better. 

Dean finally broke the silence. "So, how do we do this?"

Cas didn't move, and he didn't cry. "You need to drive out to California. I will meet you there. I can't make the drive with you."

"No, baby, I know. I understand."

"I know where he will be, that's where I will send you. Until you kill him, you will retain all of your current memories, killing him is what will change your path. Since I am turning back time I will also be able to return you to the correct age. The rest will be up to you."

"What happens if I don't kill him?"

"I don't have an answer for that Dean. History may repeat itself at that point, but there is no way of knowing."

Dean pulled Cas closer and kissed him on the top of the head again. He knew it was just a matter of hours before he would leave this bunker for what will probably be the last time. 

\-------------------------

They couldn't put it off any longer. Cas crawled out of the bed and put his clothes on. He handed Dean a map with coordinates and told him when he needed to meet him there. Before Dean could get up to kiss him, Cas disappeared.

It was still early when Dean started coffee brewing. Sam was still in bed, and Sam was usually the early riser. Dean had packed a bag, not knowing what he needed. He filled a thermos and left Sam a note:

"Sammy,  
Cas and I have to go take care of something It should only take a couple of days. You know how to get a hold of me if you need anything.

Dean"

When he got to the top of the stairs he looked down at the bunker. Sam's books were spread all over the table, two empty beer bottles sat next to his laptop, it was lived in and loved. Dean's eyes welled up as he let the door shut behind him and got into his car. He fired up the engine and headed west.

Dean drove all day and all night, reaching the mausoleum about an hour before he was supposed to meet Cas. He parked a few block down the street and cut the engine. He was asking himself if he was doing the right thing when Cas slipped into the passenger seat. Without saying a word, he handed Dean an old cigar box. Dean just looked at him and opened it. It was the Colt. A gun handmade by Samuel Colt. It's bullets could kill anything, including demons. "Cas...how did you...where did you..."

"It was part of the arrangements that I needed to make. It wasn't easy. You have two shots so you need to make them count. I can be here with you or I can leave now, it's up to you. Either way, when the bullet passes through his body, I will be gone." Cas said with no emotion. He hadn't even looked at Dean.

"I want you here, Cas, until this is all over."

Cas just nodded and got out of the car. Dean followed him, he could sense that the yellow eyed demon was nearby. "He's here, isn't he?"

"Yes" Cas said and kept walking. 

Dean reached out and grabbed Cas's arm. "You can be as pissed at me as you want. You can hate me, maybe it's better that way." He turned Cas around and forced him to meet his eyes. He reached out and ran his hand along the side of Cas's face. He leaned in for a soft kiss and wrapped his arms around him. "I love you, Cas. You know that. I always will." Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and buried his face in his neck, "I can't hate you, I understand why you need to do this." He pulled his head back, "I love you too, for all of eternity." He tried to turn away when Dean pulled him back and kissed him on top of the head. 

Dean was a seasoned hunter now. He had fought in cataclysmic proportions, he could track one demon. He knew that if he got this right he would be a cocky punk kid in his mid 20's who thought that he knew everything, again. They moved slowly in the dark, but Dean was so focused that he didn't realize that Cas was no longer with him. 

"Ah, young Dean Winchester. Your family just can't seem to get enough of me. I'd love to stay and chat but I have to business to take care of up at Stanford. Wait, isn't that the university that your brother attends? Interesting..."

"You have a lot to answer for you son of a bitch." Dean yelled. He knew that now was not the time to make conversation, but finally seeing the repulsive creature that had killed his mother when he was just a child had him shaken. This was more personal that any fight he'd ever had. He could feel his emotions getting the best of him. 

"You want to talk about poor sweet Mary Winchester, she was a lovely lady."

Dean was sick, he felt frozen until he heard a familiar voice. He looked up and saw Cas grab the yellow eyed demon from behind. "Dean! Now!"

"But the bullets, what if I hit you Cas."

"They have no affect on me. Now Dean!"

Dean raised the colt and aimed it at the demon's chest. Everything moved in slow motion as he watched the bullet pierce the demon's body, and Cas disappeared.

\-------------------------

Dean fell to the ground, the Colt slipped from his hand and landed between his knees. He knew that he had just killed yellow eyes. He saw it, but instead of feeling satisfied, like his life finally meant something, he felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. He dropped his head and watched the tears drip off of his chin and pool in the dirt next to the gun. He must have sat like that for an hour before he found the strength to stand up and walk back to his car. His 1967 Chevy Impala. It had belonged to his father, but he had handed over the keys last year. It was Dean's now. He slid into the drivers seat and found a cigar box. In it was a note that simply said, "once in a lifetime." Dean put the gun on top of the note and picked up his flip phone to call his father.

\-------------------------

"Dean? Dean, where in the hell are you? You were supposed to meet me for this woman in white case. That was two days ago."

"I'm just outside of San Jose. I got him. I killed yellow eyes." Dean said weakly. He was exhausted and weary. The silence was so long and heavy that Dean wondered if his father had hung up on him. "Dad?"

"How do you know that it was him?"

"I saw him. He knew who I was. He said her name..."

"Dean, that was stupid and reckless. What in the hell were you thinking? You could have gotten yourself killed." Dean knew that what John really meant was that it was supposed to be his kill, not Dean's. "I need you to get your ass up here and help me finish this one. We'll talk about it then."

"Yes sir" Dean mumbled before he heard the line go dead. He closed his phone, tapping it against his lips. He considered calling Sam, but he didn't even know what he'd say. He'd stopped talking to Sam about hunting a long time ago. He didn't really talk to Sam at all anymore. Sometimes he missed his brother so much that it hurt, but he was proud of him. Sam wasn't going to spend his life in cheap motels eating greasy diner food. Sam was going to make something of himself. Dean had accepted a long time ago that he would always be a hunter and die bloody by the time he was 50. He started his car and headed for the highway. He'd finally gotten the retribution that they'd always wanted, but the life still called. He had work to do.

\-------------------------

Cas knew that their bond had been severed. Dean would never call for him again, he would never feel Dean's longing or needs. He stood in the shadows and watched Dean sit in his car, he looked so young and so alone. Cas wanted to go to him, but he knew that he couldn't, he didn't even know this Dean. He watched the car pull away before he disappeared.

\-------------------------

Dean opened the door and saw his father rubbing his forehead as he paced. "You're sure that it was him?" He wouldn't even look at Dean.

"He said her name. It was him."

John stopped pacing and turned to face his oldest son, "how did you know where to find him?"

"I don't know, Dad. Instinct? Luck?"

"Luck and instinct do not land you in a position to kill a demon that I have been tracking for over 20 years." his father yelled. "How did you even kill it, Dean? We weren't prepared for that."

Dean felt like he was in a daze. He knew what had happened, but he couldn't find the words to explain it, not in a way that his father would understand. "I had a gun, an old Colt."

"You had the Colt? THE Colt? There's no way, Dean. It's not possible."

With a resigned sigh, Dean walked out to his car to retrieve the gun. He handed the cigar box to his father. John opened the lid and pulled the gun out, looking closely at the markings. He noticed the note at the bottom of the box. "What does 'once in a lifetime' mean?"

"I don't know, it was in there with the gun."

John crumpled up the note, threw it in the garbage can, and put the gun back in the box. "Where did you get this?"

Dean couldn't remember where he got the gun, that whole night was a blur to him. "Somebody gave it to me, don't ask me who because I don't know. But, it got the job done." He finally met his father's eyes.

John Winchester wasn't proud of his son, he wasn't relieved that the fight was over. John Winchester was just angry. "I need a shower," he said as he dug through his bag and shoved past Dean.

Dean pulled the crumpled note out of the garbage and sat on the edge of the bed. He smoothed out the paper and ran his finger across the four words. Killing that demon was a once in a lifetime opportunity, is that what it meant? When he heard the water turn off he folded it up and slid it into his back pocket. He laid back on the bed, pretending to sleep before his father could ask him any more questions.

\-------------------------

John Winchester wasn't the same after that. He became careless and slow. He didn't give a shit anymore. Dean was left feeling like he'd taken something from his father. He'd tried to piece together memories of that night so many times, but still couldn't make sense of all of it. He couldn't remember ever feeling so alone. He finally broke down and called Sam.

"Hey Sammy."

"Oh, hey Dean. It's, uh, it's been awhile."

"Yeah, just had a lot going on. So what's up with you, college boy?" Dean couldn't bring himself to tell Sam about the demon or their father. He tried to keep the life as far away from Sam as possible.

"Well, I interviewed for law school and was accepted with a full scholarship so I'll be starting the program in the fall."

"That's great Sammy. How about...um..."

"Jess?" Sam laughed. "Her name is Jess. She's good."

It saddened Dean when he realized that Sam had been with Jess for a couple of years, but he'd never even met her. 

"Good to hear. Well, I've got to go Sammy. Call me if you need anything. You're still a little bitch, but I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, jerk."

Talking to Sam didn't make him feel any better. He was restless and just needed to throw himself into the hunt. First it was a Wendingo, then a vengeful spirit. Some hunts were textbook, some were sloppy and brutal. Dean was starting to feel like he spent more time cleaning up his father's messes than actually hunting. John was becoming a liability. 

\-------------------------

They were sitting at dinner when John's phone rang. He took the call outside while Dean watched him through the window. He had spent his entire life wanting to be just like his father. His father had always been so strong and so brave. There was no difference between Dean Winchester and John Winchester's boy. He would always be known as John Winchester's boy, and he knew that. He wasn't strong like Sam, he wouldn't walk his own path. His mind was wandering when his father sat back down across from him.

"That was Bobby."

Bobby Singer was a retired hunter and old friend of John's. He had been an uncle to Sam and Dean and he was one of the few people that Dean actually loved and respected. 

"Everything okay?" Dean asked.

"He was just looking for some help up his way. I let him know that we were tracking a vamp nest."

"Dad, you should go help Bobby. I can finish this one."

"Dean, it's an entire nest."

Dean shook his head in frustration, at this point it would actually be quicker if he finished it himself. John had lost a step. "How many nests have I dug into in my life? High double digits? I can handle this. Go help Bobby, he's family."

John nodded and walked outside to call Bobby back. Dean just sighed. He was losing respect for his father, so where did that leave him? He wasn't his own man, he never had been.

"I'll head up to Bobby's in the morning, you finish this one off and meet me up there." Dean hadn't even heard his father sit back down.

"Sounds good" he smiled and finished eating.

\-------------------------

There was something satisfying in a simple hunt like vamps. Dean was able to put yellow eyes behind him, his father behind him, his loneliness behind him and just swing his machete. He didn't need to think, he just needed to kill. He was bloody and exhausted when he got back to the motel, but he felt better than he had in months. He set his keys and his phone on the table and started to dig for clean clothes when he heard his phone buzz. it was Bobby.

"Hey Bobby, I was going to catch a quick nap and then head up your way." 

The only words he heard were 'accident' and 'father' before he shut his phone and threw his things into his bag. He was still covered in vampire blood when he jumped in his car and squealed out of the motel parking lot. He made it to Bobby's just after sunup and walked into the house without even knocking first. He found Bobby and his wife Ellen in the kitchen. He knew how he must have looked, and was thankful that Ellen's late husband had been a hunter. "Where is he Bobby?"

"He's in there on the couch. But Dean, I have to warn you before you go in there that he ain't talking. He ain't responding to anything. You need to prepare yourself."

"Thanks Bobby" Dean whispered, squeezing the older man's shoulder. He walked towards the living room and stopped in the doorway when he saw his father. His skin was ashen and his chest was barely rising and falling with breaths. Dean felt dizzy as he slowly walked over and kneeled down next to the couch. He reached out to touch his father's hand, but pulled back. This didn't look like his father, John Winchester was already gone. Dean didn't hear Ellen walk into the room behind him.

"I'm sorry Dean. Bobby wanted to take him to the hospital, but we've all seen it enough times to know when the doctors can't help."

Dean looked back at Ellen and tried to smile, "Thanks Ellen. I, uh, I need to call Sam."

"You go right ahead, honey. Then why don't you shower and I'll make you something to eat."

Dean walked outside and dialed Sam's number. It took four or five rings for Sam to pick up. "Dean, hey. What's going on?"

Dean could hear loud music and the sound of voices in the background, Sam was at a party having a good time with his friends, and Dean had to call him to tell him that his father was dying. Their father hadn't talked to Sam since the day he left for college. All he said was, "Sam made his choice." and left it at that. 

"Uh, Sam, I'm at Bobby's. Dad's been hurt."

"Wait, what? It's too loud in here, let me go outside real quick." Dean could hear hear the music and voices fade as he waited impatiently. "Okay, I'm outside. Now what is going on?"

"I'm at Bobby's. Dad's been hurt."

Sam was silent for a moment, "Hurt? Like he broke a leg hurt? Or..."

"No, Sam, he was shot. He's not doing well. I don't think he has much time left. I understand if you don't want to come up here, you know, considering...but I wanted to let you know."

"No, Dean, I'll be there. I'll leave tonight."

Dean sunk down on one of the porch steps and hung his head between his knees. If his father died...when his father died he didn't know what he was going to do. He couldn't hunt alone, not for very long. He finally stood up, grabbed his bag out of the car, and went into the house. Ellen had left a fresh towel out for him and he just stood under the hot water lost in his thoughts. He knew that if Sam left tonight he would make it there sometime tomorrow afternoon. He just hoped that he would make it in time.

\-------------------------

Cas stood by Dean's car, just watching the reaper. He knew that he wasn't supposed to interfere, he'd promised himself. He had stayed away for months, but he felt like he had to do this. He had asked the reaper to wait until after Sam arrived. 

\-------------------------

Dean heard the car coming down the gravel drive, and he went outside to meet Sam. He wrapped his arms around his brother, trying to hold back tears. They hadn't seen each other in a long time. "Where is he?" Sam quietly asked when they finally let go.

"He's in the house. He doesn't look good Sam, but he's holding on."

Sam followed Dean into the house, he nodded at Bobby and Ellen before he went to see his father. Dean stood in the corner of the room and let Sam have a minute, he didn't know what to expect. Sam reached out and touched John's hand. Dean could hear him whispering, but he couldn't hear the words. He looked back at Dean with tears pouring down his face and nodded slightly. Dean moved across the room to kneel next to him and they each held one of their father's hands when he took his last breath. Sam stood up and walked outside, the door slamming behind him. Bobby came out of the kitchen and looked at Dean. "He's gone Bobby." Bobby reached out and pulled him into a bear hug, "I'm sorry son. I think you probably need to go check on that brother of yours." Dean just nodded and followed Sam outside. 

Ellen stood by Bobby and watched the door shut behind Dean. "John Winchester was a fine hunter, but those boys deserved more than what he gave them." Bobby whispered before he turned around to hug his wife. "I'll ask Dean if he wants to help me build the pyre for the funeral. Sam ain't cut out for that."

\-------------------------

Dean followed Sam down the row of crushed cars in the salvage yard. "Sam" he yelled, "Sam slow down. Talk to me." Sam stopped and turned around.

"I want to forgive him, Dean. I kneeled next to him and I tried, but I can't. What kind of person does that make me?"

"You don't have to forgive him, Sam. But you came, you said your goodbyes, that should tell you something."

"How have you done it? For all of these years that you have been with him, how have you done it?"

"I'm just like him."

"No, Dean, you're not." Sam cried. "God, I've always wanted you to see that. You raised me, you stood up for me. I wouldn't be in law school right now if you hadn't stepped up and taken on more responsibility than any kid should have just so I could study. I spent the first 18 years of my life being dragged around so that he could have his ultimate showdown, and for what?"

"I killed the demon, Sam."

Sam took a step back and just stared at his brother, "What?"

"I killed the yellow eyed demon."

"But...when?"

"About six months ago. He never forgave me for it either. It was his kill, and I took it from him."

"Why didn't you tell me, Dean?"

"For the same reason that I don't tell you a lot of things. Sammy, you got out of the life. You aren't going to end up like dad. You aren't going to spend the rest of your life being known as John Winchester's boy like I am. You're going to finish law school, hopefully settle down with that girlfriend of yours, eventually have a couple of kids, and live a normal life. The demon is gone, there are no more monsters under your bed, Sam."

Sam started crying in earnest when Dean stepped forward and pulled him in for another bear hug. Dean couldn't cry, he was just numb.

\-------------------------

Sam hadn't seen Bobby since before he left for college, and he'd never met Ellen. He stayed inside and helped her in the kitchen, knowing that Bobby and Dean were outside getting ready for the hunter's funeral. He felt weak and worthless. Everybody knew that John Winchester had two boys, but Sam was the mystery. 

"You okay, honey?" Ellen asked him.

"Yeah, I...I'm fine. Thanks." Sam answered. He liked Ellen. She seemed to fit with Bobby, and any woman who was strong enough to put up with his shit was a force to be reckoned with. 

"Dean told me that you are in law school. That boy is awfully proud of you. I sent my daughter, Jo, off to school to get her away from this life. Oh was she ever mad at me. Her daddy was a hunter and she wanted to follow in his footsteps. I wasn't about to let that happen. It's a dangerous life. I'm lucky that Bobby retired and that I don't have to go to bed at night wondering if my husband is ever coming home."

Sam smiled, "Bobby is a great guy."

"He thinks the world of you boys. Sometimes you'd think that you were his the way he talks about you. But, he worries about your brother."

"I worry about my brother too."

"You know Sam, the only thing we have in life that we can always count on is family."

Sam felt guilty. He knew that when he left the life and his father behind, he left Dean.

"But like Bobby always says," Ellen continued, interrupting Sam's thoughts, "family don't end in blood. Bobby is your family too. That man would do anything for you and your brother. I hope you know that."

"Yeah, I do." 

\-------------------------

Bobby, Dean, and Sam stood around the pyre silently as Dean stepped forward and lit it. Ellen hadn't really known John, so she thought it would be best if she stayed in the house and let Bobby and the boys take their time. The three of them just stood and watched it burn to the ground without saying a word. Bobby finally followed the boys into the house and after they climbed the stairs to the guest bedrooms, he and Ellen sat on opposite sides of the kitchen table, each with a glass of whiskey.

"I don't know if Dean is going to be okay." Bobby finally said. "I told him that he's welcome to stay for as long as he needs to."

Ellen reached out and touched Bobby's hand, "of course he is. He has you, Bobby. He has us. We'll get him through this."

"He thinks that he's nothing but a hunter. He can't see himself. I'm afraid that he's going to try to go off and start hunting by himself. We both know how dangerous that is."

"Have either one of them asked you what happened?" Ellen said quietly.

"Not yet, but Dean might. How do I explain a hunter getting shot by accident when the other hunter never pulled the trigger? I can't tell those boys that their father shot himself in the chest. He changed when Dean killed that demon, and Dean will end up blaming himself. That boy means entirely too much to me to put that on his shoulders."

"Maybe Dean won't ask. Maybe he doesn't want to know."

Bobby looked down at his glass and sighed, "I hope so."

\-------------------------

Cas knew that he had no right to be in Bobby's house watching Dean sleep. He didn't know what had happened to John Winchester's soul, he didn't want to know. He just needed to know that Dean was finding peace somehow. It physically hurt to stand so close, but not reach out to touch him. He knew that he had to leave.

\-------------------------

Sam needed to get back to school so he threw his bag in his car and passed around hugs and promises to visit soon, promises he wouldn't keep. Dean stood in the driveway and watched until he couldn't see the taillights anymore. He knew that Bobby was standing behind him. "So, what do I do now?" he asked without turning around.

"That's not a decision that you need to make today, Dean. You stay here with me and Ellen. Get your head straight."

"What about hunting?"

"For chrissakes Dean, that should be the last thing on your mind. I run a salvage yard, if you need to stay busy I can keep you busy. There is nothing that says that you need to keep hunting."

"I don't know how to be anything else, Bobby. It's all I've ever been."

"And you think that you need to figure your life out today? Right now in my driveway?"

"I don't know," Dean said, turning around. "Ever since I killed that demon, everything has gone to shit. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it."

"Son, you did right by your mother when you killed that thing and in the end you did right by your father too, even if he couldn't see it. John was blind when it came to that demon. But it's done and over and none of this is your fault, so don't you go blaming yourself. I know you Dean, and I know that you think that Sam deserves all the breaks. It's about damn time that you realized that you deserve some of your own. I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but you are twice the man that your father ever was."

Dean looked down at his feet and ran his hand across his forehead, "I've spent my life being John Winchester's boy. How do I get out from under that?"

"It's a small circle of hunters who know you as John Winchester's boy, but there's a whole world that doesn't know who in the hell you are. You are the closest thing that I ever had to a son of my own and we will figure this out. Right now let's go inside and eat some lunch, my wife is a much better cook than I am."

"That's not saying much."

Bobby reached out and squeezed Dean's shoulder. He had a way of making Dean feel more loved than his own father did. "Thank you Bobby, for everything." he said quietly.

"No need to thank me. Now let's get in the house before we start writing Hallmark cards out here."

Dean just smiled and followed Bobby up the porch steps.

\-------------------------

"Jo should be home next weekend from school." Ellen said over dinner. Dean had been there for a few months helping Bobby out in the salvage yard. He hadn't brought up hunting since the day that Sam left after their father's funeral.

"Well, there goes our peace and quiet." Bobby joked.

Dean vaguely remembered Jo. She was a little blonde spitfire just a couple of years younger than Sam. "Does she know that I'm here? Does she know about..."

"She knows." Ellen said. "I already had to tell her that yes, you are still as handsome as ever and yes, you still have those beautiful green eyes."

Dean laughed. He hadn't gone out or met anyone in a long time, he hadn't really thought about it. The last thing he wanted was an awkward college girl crush. "Thank you, Ellen. I'm flattered." 

"I tell ya Dean, if I were 20 years younger..."

"Hey" Bobby said, "I'm sitting right here Mrs. Singer."

"Yes your are, and you are just as handsome as Mr. Winchester over there."

Dean loved watching Bobby and Ellen together. They were best friends and truly enjoyed each other's company. Dean was more of a love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy, but if he ever did find someone, he hoped that his world would be just like theirs.

\-------------------------

The next weekend Dean was sent to pick Jo up from the bus station in Sioux Falls. She recognized him immediately and squealed his name as she jumped into his arms for a hug. He'd only met Jo a handful of times and was already feeling the awkward college girl crush starting. 

"Sorry about that," she said when they got in the car. "Okay, I'm really not sorry, but every woman in that place was checking you out."

"And you were what? Marking your territory?" Dean smiled.

"It's not like I peed on your leg or anything." Jo laughed.

"You are just like your mother."

"What?" Jo asked. "Has she been peeing on your leg?"

Dean knew that it was going to be interesting to have Jo home. "Just once or twice. Don't tell Bobby."

Jo started digging through the old shoebox where Dean kept his cassette tapes. He was waiting for the eye rolling and complaining when she pulled one out and pushed it into the cassette player. "Ah, Led Zepplin." she said before she leaned back against the seat and started singing along, off key.

"Wow, impressive. My little brother hates the music I listen to."

"I forgot that you have a brother. Is he hot?"

"Well, I'm no judge, but I'm guessing that he's pee-worthy."

"I never should have said anything about peeing on your leg." Jo groaned.

They spent the rest of the ride back to Bobby's singing along to the music as loud and as off key as they could.

"Now she didn't give you any trouble did she?" Ellen asked Dean while he was pulling Jo's bags out of the backseat.

"She did offer to p....ouch" he said when Jo punched him on the arm.

"I behaved like a perfect lady."

"Somehow I doubt that Joanna Beth," 

Jo just smiled at her mother and picked up her backpack, leaving Dean to carry the rest of her things into the house. 

"I agree with Bobby," he said, smiling at Ellen. "There goes the peace and quiet."

\-------------------------

Dean learned to start locking the bathroom door after Jo 'accidentally' walked in on him showering. She always seemed to show up with a cold beer when it got hot enough outside for him to take his shirt off. He tried to gently explain to her that he viewed her as a cousin or little sister, but she still found ways to rub up against him. She was a beautiful girl, but she was Ellen's daughter, and to be honest he wasn't interested. Once she started following him around, complaining about how bored she was, he finally gave in and agreed to take her to the bar. He made himself very clear, they were going to the bar, they were not going on a date. Ellen knew about Jo's little crush on Dean, and she wasn't real happy about them going out drinking. After making Jo change her clothes three times she pulled Dean aside and gave him a very long list of rules for taking her daughter anywhere. Bobby finally stepped in and lovingly told his wife that she was acting bat shit crazy about the whole thing. 

\-------------------------

"So, I'm here with the hottest guy in the place." 

"Okay Jo, we've talked about this." Dean started, he was already getting annoyed. "You're not here with the hottest guy in the place, the hottest guy in the place drove you here and will be driving you home."

"Oh, so you admit that you're the hottest guy in the place?"

"Uh...yeah." Dean gave her his signature grin.

Jo just pouted at him, "You suck."

"Jo, let's just drink and have fun. Maybe you'll meet someone. Don't worry, I won't tell your mom anything." Dean was ready to be her wingman, anything to get her away from his dick. The band started playing so Jo leaned in to kiss him on the cheek before she went out on the dance floor. Dean sighed with relief, and watched the girls while he drank his beer. 

Dean got a lot of attention, and Jo got jealous. They both knew that he could put her in a cab and leave with almost any single woman in the place, but he didn't want to. He was in his mid 20's and used to have a voracious sexual appetite, but not anymore. After being cornered by a woman outside of the bathroom and spending 20 minutes with her tongue down his throat, he'd finally had enough and was ready to leave. He worked his way through the crowd on the dance floor and found Jo.

"Are you ready to go?" he shouted in her ear.

"Seriously Dean? We've only been here for a couple of hours. Loosen up and have fun. Do you really think my mom is going to let us go out every weekend while I'm home?"

Dean just groaned with frustration and sat down at the bar. 

\-------------------------

Cas had tried everything to forget, but he couldn't. He knew that Dean was still in Sioux Falls, and he tried to stay away. They had talked about it before he sent Dean back. Once he killed the demon, Cas would no longer exist in his life. But he still existed in Cas's. Cas would remember the way Dean's hands felt, the sound of his voice when they talked in the dark, the feel of his lips on the top of Cas's head. He would never get over Dean, he'd meant it when he said that he would love him for an eternity. He knew that he really was Dean's once in a lifetime, but there was nothing that he could do about it. He knew it was wrong when he made himself visible and changed into more acceptable clothing to sit at the end of the bar and watch Dean, but he couldn't stop himself. He froze when Dean glanced down the bar and they locked eyes. It had been so long since he'd looked into those beautiful green eyes. Dean raised his beer bottle as if to say 'cheers' and looked away. Cas felt the tears coming and he couldn't breathe. He had to disappear. He couldn't do this.

\-------------------------

When Dean glanced down the bar he saw the bluest eyes he had ever seen. There was something about the guy that felt familiar. He was trying to keep an eye on Jo and when he looked back, the guy was gone. He was disappointed, and couldn't understand why.

\--------------------------

Dean finally cut Jo off before she was so drunk that Ellen would end up castrating him. He told her two more dances and then they were leaving. She tried pouting, but he wasn't going to change his mind. He was done with this scene. She begrudgingly followed him out to the car and slammed the passenger door shut.

"Hey, hey, watch the door. This thing is a classic."

Jo just glared at him as he started the engine and headed home. He felt her hand on his leg, sliding up his thigh. He reached down and stopped her before she got to his crotch. When they got back to Bobby's he turned to her, "You are not getting out of this car yet, not until we talk about this. I've tried being nice about it. I get that you're bored but I am not interested, okay?"

"You're an asshole, Dean."

"And you are not the first woman to tell me that."

"Are you gay?"

Dean just laughed, "If I say yes, will you stop all of this bullshit?"

"Maybe. But seriously, are you gay? You are hot, in your sexual prime, and blowing off every single woman at the bar. How many phone numbers did you get slipped into your pocket?"

"Not interested does not mean gay. But even if I am, it's none of your fucking business. You want to go out, get drunk and laid, fine. I'll cover your ass. But as far as what I do or don't do with my dick doesn't concern you, okay?"

"You seriously are an asshole, Dean."

"You're right, I am. Now we need to get your drunk ass in the house and past your mom. Can you play sober for ten minutes? If your mom sees this then she will not let you out of her sight again."

"Okay, ten minutes."

Dean got Jo out of the car and into the house. As expected, Ellen was waiting up. Jo put on an amazing performance telling her mom that she only had a couple of drinks and just spent the night dancing. Ellen gave them both a nod of approval and they went upstairs, into separate bedrooms. Dean threw on a pair of sweats, another new habit since Jo had been home, and crawled into bed. He was not taking Jo out again.

\-------------------------

Dean didn't know which was worse, Jo trying to get down his pants, or Jo's constant whining about being bored. Somehow he ended up with the responsibility of keeping her entertained. Since he had no interest in sleeping with her, he got stuck taking her out. He felt like he owed Ellen and Bobby that much. Every weekend seemed the same. They went to the bar, Jo got trashed and danced, and then he drove her home. 

He wasn't sure how it happened, he wasn't even drunk, but there he was sitting in the drivers seat of his car with some brunette's face buried in his lap. It had been so long since anyone other than himself had touched his cock that when she offered, he accepted. He leaned back and watched her head move up and down, lips and tongue sliding against the length. He didn't even remember her name. He just knew that he was going to come and hoped that she was the type of girl to swallow, he didn't want to clean up a mess. She swallowed, tucked him back into his pants, and sat up. She smiled at him and leaned towards him for a kiss. He knew that he really didn't care if he saw this girl again, and that made him a total asshole, but he could at least kiss her before they got out of his car and went back inside. "We could go back to my place." she whispered in his ear, running her hand up his chest.

"Um, well, I came here with my cousin and she's still inside dancing. I'm her ride home, so maybe another time?" He knew that she was drunk enough that she may remember blowing some random guy in his car, but she probably wouldn't remember who he was. 

It wasn't difficult for Dean to get the occasional blow job in his car, he even fucked a couple of girls, but he made sure he was never with the same girl twice. They gave him numbers that he never called, and the word got around that he was a player and an asshole. He didn't care. He never propositioned anybody, they came to him. 

"So what is your deal?" Jo asked him one night on their way home. She'd finally gotten over her college girl crush and stopped getting jealous every time she saw him walk out with somebody. 

"My deal?"

"I see what happens, Dean. I know that you don't leave with some chick to take a nice walk in the moonlight. I just hope you're doing your shit in the backseat and not where I'm sitting. "

"Okay, so how is that 'my deal'? Some chick offers to blow me in the parking lot and I let her. Why shouldn't I? I never tell them that I'll call them, they just assume that I will because maybe we fucked in the backseat. I'm not exactly relationship material."

"Why not?" Jo asked.

Dean had never really thought about it before. He'd spent his life never staying in one place long enough to actually have a relationship. He wouldn't know how if he tried, and he really didn't want to try. It all seemed too emotionally messy and he had never had the patience to deal with that type of shit.

"What about you, Jo? I know that you haven't exactly been an angel."

"I'm just home for the summer. Why get attached to someone when I'll be leaving soon anyway?"

"Well, maybe it's the same for me."

Jo turned in her seat and looked at Dean, "what is that supposed to mean?"

"I can't stay at Bobby's forever."

They drove the rest of the way home in silence. 

After that, Dean went back to keeping to himself at the bar, for the most part.

\------------------------

Jo finally went back to school, Ellen cried while Dean and Bobby quietly sighed with relief.

\------------------------

Dean had been helping Bobby fix up some of the cars on the lot so that he could sell them. Dean knew that he was good at two things, hunting and working on cars, he just wondered which he should be doing. Bobby may have retired, but he was still part of the life. He was an expert on lore and had and expansive library of books on the supernatural. Hunters called him constantly looking for advice or information. 

"Bobby, do you ever miss the hunt?"

"Hand me that wrench, Dean." Dean handed it over and watched Bobby lean down to try and get the carburetor out of the old truck that they were working on. He finally stood up and wiped his forehead before he turned around. "I've been waiting for this conversation. I'd be lying if I said that I never miss it. Sometimes I do, but I've learned that I'd rather be living my life than risking my ass. Is this where you tell me that you want to go back to the life that you worked so hard to keep away from Sam? The life that killed your father?"

"I don't know."

"Dean, you've been here now for what, eight or nine months? How many cars have we fixed up and sold? How many times have you wandered around out here helping somebody find a part that they need? I don't want you feeling like you need to go back to hunting because you're some type of burden on me and Ellen. I should actually be paying you a wage for the work that you do."

"I was always taught that by hunting things we were saving lives."

"There are only two reasons that hunters start to hunt. They were either born into the life, or they want revenge. Your father raised you the way that he did because he wanted revenge. All he ever saw was that yellow eyed demon."

"The demon that I killed. He hated me for that, Bobby. I took his kill. I got his revenge."

"No Dean, you got your revenge. She was your mother and you did right by her, why would you need to keep hunting?"

"But what am I supposed to do?"

"Stop having an existential crisis in my damn garage and help an old man rebuild this carburetor."

\-------------------------

Bobby could see the exhaustion in Dean's eyes. Between John's death, his questions about hunting, and his tenuous relationship with Sam, he knew that Dean needed a break.

"Dean, how good are you with electrical?"

"Uh, I've never gotten myself electrocuted. Why? What's up?"

"I think that there's something wrong with the wiring up at my cabin. You remember that old shack, right?"

Dean smiled, he and Sammy had loved that place when they were kids. They played hide and seek in the woods, built dams in the stream, Bobby even built them a rope swing. "Yeah, I remember it. Is this your way of asking me if I'll go take a look at it?"

"Thanks for offering, son. I'll get the keys for you after dinner."

\-------------------------

Dean hadn't been up there in at least ten, maybe fifteen years. He'd forgotten how beautiful it was. He walked around outside for awhile before he even took his bag out of the car. He found the old rope swing, it had fallen victim to too many cold winters. The wooden seat hung limply from one rope. He smiled as he walked along the stream looking for the place where he and Sam used rocks to hold the water back. He couldn't believe it when he saw that some of the rocks were still there. Some of his happiest days were spent playing in that water and swinging so high on that swing that he made himself sick. He was starting to lose light and was headed back to the car when he stopped in front of a huge pine tree. He just stared at it and reached out to run his hand across the bark. Other than it's size, it looked just like every other tree in the woods. But still...

\-------------------------

Cas had no idea that Dean was at the cabin until he heard the footsteps. He had been coming here as often as he could since he'd sent Dean back. He would sit on the floor in front of the fireplace and cry, remembering how Dean's body had felt that last night, the night that he was telling Cas goodbye. He would sit on the porch, hearing the crack in Dean's voice while he talked. He would walk through the forest, taking the same route that they had taken on their hike remembering Dean's stories about him and Sam as children playing in these woods. And he would always end up in front of the tree looking for their names that Dean had carved, but they weren't there, they never had been. He would lean back against it with his eyes closed, remembering everything about Dean. He smiled through tears and let himself get lost. This was all he had left. But now he was watching Dean walk around, looking at the broken swing, laughing to himself when he found the pile of rocks next to the stream. He watched Dean stop in front of the tree. The pain was physical when Dean reached out and touched the spot where he had carved their names. Cas would give anything to be laying in a dark room in a bunker in Kansas listening to a man whisper sweet words that nobody else would ever hear. 

\-------------------------

Dean fell asleep on the couch, intending to get up early and check on the wiring. Instead of checking the wiring, he spent most of the day just sitting on the porch drinking coffee and thinking about the ugly things and the beautiful things that had happened to him in his life. He knew that Bobby was right, he wasn't a hunter anymore. He wanted to work at Singer Salvage, maybe get a place of his own someday. He was alone, but for the first time in a long time he didn't feel lonely, he felt at peace. He wanted to tell somebody how he felt, but Bobby wouldn't understand and there was too much distance between him and Sam. By the time he felt like his head was cleared, it was too late for him to get any work done. Again, he fell asleep on the couch, intending to get up early and check on the wiring.

\-------------------------

Even if Bobby's intention was to get Dean somewhere to clear his head, he was right about the wiring. Dean found so many shorts and bad wires that he was surprised the place hadn't caught fire. He fixed the plumbing while he was up there, and checked for any spots in the walls or foundation where animals might be getting in. He was throwing his bag in the car so that he could head back home when he decided to take another walk around. He tried to fix the rope swing, but the wood was too rotted. He bent down and laid some rocks in the shallow part of the stream, watching the water build up behind them. He was almost to his car when he turned around and walked back to that pine tree. He leaned against it and pulled his wallet out of his pocket. The note that was tucked inside had been opened and refolded so many times over the last year or so that the edges were starting to fray. He ran his finger across the four simple words again, he wished that he knew what it meant. He folded it back up and put it in his wallet before he walked to his car and left.

\-------------------------

Dean was in town picking up some parts for Bobby, but was in no hurry to get back to the salvage yard. He drove around for awhile before he decided to stop and grab a quick beer. Now that most of the college kids had gone back to school, the bar was almost empty. He looked around and saw that blue eyed guy sitting in the corner again. It was driving him nuts, the guy looked so familiar. He wasn't a hunter, and Dean had never stayed in one place long enough to really get to know anybody, but he had seen this guy before. He grabbed his beer and walked to the end of the bar.

"Okay, this isn't supposed to be some overused cheesy pick-up line, but I swear I know you from somewhere."

Cas was trembling, he knew that he shouldn't have come here. He thought that he'd be able to sit in the shadows without Dean noticing him. "I...I don't know."

"Are you from around here? Do you mind if I sit?" Dean knew that this whole thing sounded like a pick-up but he really wanted to know.

"No, uh, go ahead and sit." Dean was so close that he could smell his skin. He desperately wanted to reach out and touch him. "I'm not from around here. I'm from, well, pretty much all over."

"Yeah, I know that story. I got dragged around a lot as a kid. My dad was a Marine." That was the story that they always gave people, and technically it wasn't a lie. He just never told people that his father had left the Marine Corps before his parents got married. He reached his hand out, "I'm Dean."

Cas was doing everything he could to keep it together when he wrapped his hand around Dean's, "Cas."

"Cas? That's different."

"Yeah, it's a nickname that somebody gave me. My real name is Castiel." Cas knew that he'd made a horrible mistake by coming here. Even though Dean had asked if he could come find him, if they could somehow meet again, Cas had promised that he wouldn't do this.

"Castiel? Sounds biblical. Religious parents?"

"My father is."

Dean turned and looked at Cas, really looked at him. "You seriously look so familiar."

Cas didn't know what to say.

"Can I buy you a beer?" Dean asked. "Again, not a cheesy pick up thing."

Cas didn't need to eat or drink, but it did hurt him if he did. He figured that he could nurse a beer until Dean left, he knew that he couldn't get up and walk away, not when Dean was this close to him. "Sure."

Dean ordered two from the bartender and turned back to Cas. Dean didn't have friends, he never really had. He knew a lot of people, but they were all hunters. He'd had Sam, but they were living different lives now and sometimes it felt like they barely knew each other. He knew that he needed to fix that. "So, what are you doing in Sioux Falls?" he asked Cas.

"Just checking up on some things." Cas tried to keep the tremble out of his voice.

"Oh yeah? Like for work? What do you do?"

"It's hard to explain. I work for a charitable foundation. I just travel around and make sure that everything is in order." 

"Sounds...boring. Sorry, that was rude."

Cas actually laughed, "No, it can be boring. What about you?"

"Grease monkey. My uncle owns a salvage yard just outside of town."

"Sounds...not quite as boring as my job." Cas was trying to remember not to slip and use names. He knew Bobby, he'd met Ellen.

"Do you shoot pool?" Dean asked, nodding at the tables.

"Somebody tried to teach me once, I'm afraid that I'm not very good at it." Cas remembered how frustrated Dean used to get with him. He always felt like an angel should be able to get the damn ball into the pocket, it wasn't rocket science. 

"Well, then whoever tried to teach you didn't know what in the hell they were doing. Do you have to be somewhere?"

"No, I'm good. He knew what in the hell he was doing, I was just really bad at it and he was impatient."

Dean flashed one of his signature grins, "well, unlike that guy, I will show you the right way to play pool. C'mon."

Cas slid off of the bar stool and followed Dean to the pool table. He didn't know how to feel. This was his Dean, but it wasn't his Dean. This Dean wasn't so angry and bitter. But this Dean was still impatient.

"I told you, I'm just really bad at it." Cas said, three games later.

"Okay, I take back what I said about whoever tried to teach you how to play. I'm feeling his pain." Dean grabbed his jacket, "I've got to get these parts back to my uncle but we should hang out sometime. Do something other than playing pool."

"Yeah, sure." Cas stammered. Dean grabbed Cas's phone out of his hands and put his number in the contacts list.

"Just give me a call whenever. I mean I'm usually pretty busy watching tv with my aunt and uncle, but I could probably find time to hang out." Dean said, giving Cas a wink and flashing a grin before he walked out of the bar.

Cas chugged the last of his warm beer and sighed. He didn't now what in the hell he had been thinking, but he couldn't change things now. They'd met.

\-------------------------

Dean didn't have Cas's number, Cas had Dean's. He had spent so much time trying to stay away from Dean. He cried and he beat himself up over it, but he still remembered the night that Dean asked to be sent back. Dean had also asked if there were a way for them to meet again. The circumstances were different, but Cas knew that he had to try. Even if he was just Dean's friend, it was better than not being in his life at all. He waited for awhile before he made the call.

"Hello?"

"Dean?"

"Yeah, this is Dean."

"Hey, it's Cas. You know from the..."

"Hey Cas! Good to hear from ya man."

Cas was surprised that Dean not only remembered him, but sounded genuinely happy to hear from him.

"Anyway, so I'm in town and you said to give you a call."

"How long are you here for?"

"Oh, a probably a few days." 

"Well, with enough sweet talking I could probably get out of watching tv with my aunt and uncle if you want to hang out." Dean had never cared about the whole gay/straight thing, but he wondered why he felt like he was planning a date.

"Yeah, sounds good. So, what is there to do around here? I only come into town to visit."

Dean laughed, "well we sure as hell aren't going to play pool. You don't seem like much of a drinker. There's that diner on the edge of town, greasiest burgers that you've ever had."

Again, Cas didn't need to eat or drink, but it wouldn't hurt. "Okay."

"So, I'm finishing up an alternator right now, it'll probably take me another half hour. Then I'll just need to jump in the shower. Maybe meet up there around 7:00?"

"Okay."

"Cool." and Dean hung up the phone.

Cas wondered how this was going to go. He knew that Dean wouldn't talk about hunting, and he couldn't exactly drop the angel bomb. 

\-------------------------

Cas already had a booth and Dean was running late. Cas was starting to wonder if he was going to show up at all when he saw him walk in and look around. He smiled at Cas and slid into the booth across from him. 

"Just so you know, I have self respect and I don't put out on the first date."

Cas laughed, maybe this wasn't his Dean, but it was his Dean. The line was blurry.

"Okay, that's not true. I usually do." Dean winked.

"I'll try to keep my hands to myself." 

Dean grabbed the menu and told Cas what to order. Cas knew that his vessel was probably going to regret this decision, but he did it anyway. He tried not to stare at Dean while they ate. Dean had always been so angry, but he didn't see that in him now. Dean looked comfortable in his own skin. But, he still didn't have a filter. 

"Quick question for you Cas."

"Okay."

"Are you gay?"

Cas almost choked on his food. He wasn't sure how to answer that. Angels didn't have sexuality, but in human terms he probably was. He'd only been with Dean, and he knew he'd never be with anyone else.

"That's a little personal but I guess I kind of am."

"It's not really that personal. Not these days." Dean smiled, "but what does 'kind of' mean?"

"It is that personal, but that's okay. I've only been with one person, and that person was a man."

"So you've never fucked a chick? Never wanted to?"

This was definitely Dean.

"No."

Dean leaned back and looked at Cas, "Sorry man, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable here. I don't care if your gay or straight or a sexless monk. It was just a curiousity thing."

"Do I come off as gay?" 

"Maybe a little. So this guy, you're not together anymore?"

Cas could feel the tears. "No. Excuse me for a minute." Cas needed to get away from Dean before he started to cry. He sat in the dirty bathroom until the tears stopped. He splashed his face with cold water and hoped his eyes weren't red before he sat back down.

"Hey, I'm sorry if I upset you." Dean said quietly when Cas sat back down. "I can be a total asshole. You'd be surprised at how many people tell me that."

Cas laughed, "I don't think I'd be surprised."

"Oh c'mon baby, you barely even know me."

Cas couldn't handle hearing Dean call him 'baby', even if it was a joke. He couldn't sit there anymore. He needed to just let Dean go. He stood up and mumbled something about needing to leave. The tears didn't come until he was half way across the parking lot. Dean finally caught up with him and grabbed his arm. It was like an electric shock for both of them. Dean pulled his hand away slowly.

"Cas, seriously, I'm sorry man."

"It's not you. Well, it is you but it's not you."

"Okay Cas, I don't even know what in the fuck that means."

Cas finally turned and looked at Dean, "You are exactly like him."

Dean dropped his head and looked at the ground. They stood in silence until Dean softly asked, "What happened to him?"

"He passed on." it's the only thing that Cas could think of. In his own way, Dean did pass on. He was living a different life, and he wasn't the same person.

"How long?"

"Does it really matter? You don't even know me."

"Honestly, I don't know why it matters. Like I said, I'm an asshole and for the most part, I don't give a shit."

"Yeah, you are an asshole. But so was he." and Cas turned and walked away. Dean didn't try to follow him, he just stood in the parking lot and watched until he couldn't see Cas's back anymore.

\-------------------------

Dean didn't know why it bothered him so much. When he went to bed all he could hear was Cas's voice saying, "Yeah, you are an asshole. But so was he."

\-------------------------

Cas couldn't go back to Sioux Falls anymore. He couldn't go up to the cabin. He needed to accept that Dean was lost to him. He tried to remind himself that angels don't fall in love anyway. 

\-------------------------

Dean really didn't understand what happened, but he knew that he felt like shit. He tried to call Cas the next day but it went to voicemail. "Cas, this is Dean. Listen, I'm sorry about last night. I was a total dick. I'm going to grab a beer tonight so if you want to meet up, that's where you'll find me."

\-------------------------

Cas must have listened to the message four or five times before he decided that he was going to go. He needed to find a way to say goodbye. He never got the chance, Dean said goodbye to him. He walked in and saw Dean sitting at the bar. When he turned around, Cas nodded his head at a table and sat down. Dean grabbed his beer and walked over.

"Cas...I..."

"Listen Dean, there is really no reason for us to have this conversation, but I'm going to do this anyway. I was with someone and he was my world. I would have given up everything for him, he knew that. But he passed on, by choice. I knew his reasons, and I understood, I know why he did what he did and I didn't try to stop him. I know that he loved me when he left, but that doesn't make it any easier."

"Cas, look at me..."

"I can't look at you, Dean. You are just like him and if I look at your face I will lose it. I'm not about to start crying right here in the middle of the bar. I don't know that I will ever be over him. So, thanks for trying to teach me how to play pool, and I'm guessing that you paid for dinner last night, thanks for that too. It's not your fault that I can't be around you, but you don't even know me so it doesn't matter. I'm leaving Sioux Falls and I won't be back. Sorry for the drama, I know how you hate that...." Cas finally looked at Dean and hoped that he didn't catch the slip up. "See?" he said, pointing at his cheeks. "Tears. I'm going to go. Goodbye Dean..."

Dean didn't know why he couldn't just let Cas leave. He followed him out to the parking lot.

"Cas! Cas! Please stop. Please. Just for a minute."

Cas stopped but didn't turn around. He felt Dean come up behind him. "Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you got fucked over and I'm sorry that I remind you of that asshole, okay? I don't know why I'm not still sitting in that bar, this isn't the first time that I've pissed someone off and they've walked away. There is something about you, Cas. I don't know, I can't explain it. I feel like I need to protect you. You said that I don't even know you, and technically you're right, but I feel like I do. I get that you need to walk away, I don't want you to look at me and hate what you see because of what's happened in your past. Oh god, I've gone all chick flick and I'm fucking this all up..."

Cas finally turned around, "No, you're not. It was going to be like this no matter what. I guess I thought that I could be stronger."

"Cas, don't go." Dean didn't even think before he pulled Cas into his arms. "Just stay, please?"

Cas just cried harder and melted against Dean. "Just stay," Dean whispered again before his kissed Cas on top of the head.

\-------------------------

Cas finally stopped crying and Dean convinced him to get in the car. They drove out past the edge of town and Dean pulled off the side of the road. They laid side by side on the hood of the car looking at the stars.

"I've never been in love," Dean said quietly. "I don't think that I'd be very good at it."

"Is that because you don't want it? Or because you don't think that you deserve it?"

"I don't know. I've never looked at it that way. Maybe because I don't think that I deserve it. There are probably two people on earth who really give a shit about me and they've told me that I don't see myself the way that other people do."

"Maybe none of us do."

"What was he like, Cas? And I don't care if you cry. Maybe you need to."

Cas took a deep breath, "He was an enigma. He was strong and angry and bitter but loyal. He was a force to be reckoned with. Unless it had to do with me or his brother. That's when he let his guard down. We'd known each other for years before I saw how loving and gentle he could be. But, he only let me see that side of him, and that's how I knew that he loved me. He trusted me enough to be vulnerable. I was the only man he'd ever been with, but he never cared about what people thought. We didn't make sense to anyone but us. We came from two different sides of a place where we never thought that we could love. I miss him every moment of every day." he started crying softly and he felt Dean reach down and intertwine their fingers. There was nothing sexual about it, Dean was just trying to comfort him.

"I've never really thought about relationships. Not until I moved into my Uncle Bobby's. He remarried a few years ago, and I watch him and Ellen together. If I were to find somebody who could share my world they way they share theirs, I wouldn't let go. My world has just been such an ugly place, that I can't imagine anyone wanting to share it with me."

"What makes your world ugly, Dean?"

"Things that I've seen. Things that I've done. Things that I know. I didn't even know how to be my own man until my father died, and that's still a work in progress. I'm not becoming the man that my father raised me to be, the man I always thought that I wanted to be. My uncle and my brother both tell me that I'm a better man than he ever was. I'm still sorting through that, trying to find my own way."

"I didn't turn out to be what my father expected either. I have defied him many times."

"Do you wish that you'd been able to be the man that he expected you to be?"

Cas sighed, "No, I've questioned his cause, his ideas."

"Yeah, me too. I had to walk away from the life."

Cas was surprised. He'd guessed that Dean wasn't hunting anymore, but he didn't know for sure.

"So you're not doing what your father expected of you?"

"Nope. I'm turning a wrench with my Uncle and I'm happy doing it. There are two things that I know, cars is one of them." 

Cas knew not to ask what the other one was. "So you're happy?"

"I'm getting there, I think. What about you, Cas? Are you happy?"

"No."

"Because of him?"

"Yes."

They laid in silence, holding hands and looking at the stars until Dean finally asked, "So does that mean that you really can't be around me?"

"I don't know, Dean. I see you and I can remember how it felt to watch him go, but then I also remember how safe he always made me feel. Am I saying too much?"

"No," Dean said squeezing his hand. "Open forum in the dark. Say what you need to say."

"You remind me of the good and the bad."

"I'm sorry that I remind you of the bad."

"Don't be, without the bad I would never have known how good he was. How good we were."

"I envy you. I mean, maybe you didn't have it for very long, but you had it. Nobody has ever felt that way about me."

Cas started to cry again, if only he knew how much Cas loved him. If only he knew that Cas would still do anything for him. He still couldn't refuse Dean, that's why he stopped in the parking lot, that's why he got in the car.

"I feel like a total dick because I keep making you cry."

"You said it yourself, maybe I need to."

"I know that this is an open forum in the dark, but I wish that you could look at me."

"Why, Dean?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's because I feel like I could tell you almost anything."

"You can tell me anything."

"So turn your head and look at me, Cas."

Cas turned his head and although it was dark outside the moon was still bright enough for him to see the outline of Dean's face. It was perfect, it always had been. Dean turned his head and they just laid there in the night's silence looking at each other until Dean started falling asleep.

"I really don't want this to end, but I need to get some sleep. Where do you want me to drop you off?"

"Just at the motel by the bar." Cas kept reminding himself that he had to act human.

They got back in the car and Dean started the engine. He searched for Cas's hand before he pulled onto the highway and headed back to town. He stopped at the curb when the got to the motel. "I don't know what happened tonight, Cas, but I do know that I hate that I'm dropping you off here. If you feel like you can see me again, call me." He squeezed Cas;s hand before he let go.

"I know that you're not him." Cas said quietly before he got out of the car and watched Dean drive away. He hadn't been completely honest, it still hurt, but this was a different Dean. Not better or worse, just different. He disappeared and went to spend the night at the cabin.

\-------------------------

He felt like an idiot with a schoolgirl crush every time he took his phone out of his pocket to see if he had any missed calls. He didn't know what had happened last night, but it knew that it made sense at the time. He finally hit Sam's name on his contacts list and listed to the ringing on the other end. Maybe he shouldn't bother Sam, but he had promised himself that this was one thing he needed to fix.

"Dean?"

"Hey Sammy."

"Is everything okay?" Sam asked slowly.

Dean felt like shit. He usually called Sam with bad news. "Everything is fine. I just missed the obnoxious sound of your voice. I'm not interrupting anything?"

"No, no, we were just getting up. So, what's going on?" Sam sounded weary, he was expecting Dean to drop a bombshell.

"Oh, sorry. I forget about the time zone thing and Bobby drags my ass out of bed pretty early."

"You're still at Bobby's. So you..."

"I hung up the salt, iron, and silver. I'm done with it. You are now talking to the official grunt at Singer Salvage."

Sam laughed, "That's great Dean. It really is. I'm proud of you."

Dean choked up, Sam had never been proud of anything that Dean had done.

"So listen, I was thinking about a road trip and thought I might head your way. I don't plan to stay long but I thought that maybe we could grab something to eat and not catch up on old times."

Sam could tell that he was talking to a different Dean, "That would be great, Dean. I'd love to see you. Let me know when you're close and we'll plan something."

Dean could hear the sincerity in Sam's voice. "Okay, it'll probably be a couple of days, but I'll let you know."

"Can't wait, jerk."

"Yeah, me neither, bitch."

They both hung up laughing. Sam knew that Ellen was right, family is all you could ever count on. He'd left Dean behind, but Dean had left the life. Maybe one day he'd finally see himself for who he really was.

\----------------------------

The next morning, Bobby and Ellen watched Dean throw his bag in the trunk of his car. Other than a gun and blade for safety, he had taken out all of the weapons that they had amassed over the years and stored them with Bobby's things. He got in the car and drove to the highway that would take him west. Bobby just sighed as he turned away from the window.

"What's wrong, honey?" Ellen asked.

"That boy has changed. He's more, I don't know, grounded?"

"And that's a bad thing? All you've ever wanted was for those boys to have a normal life. You're giving that to Dean."

"I know, I'd just hate for him to go out there and come back comparing himself to his brother. Sam may be in law school, but Dean is every bit as smart as he is."

Ellen leaned back, "Now I know that you favor Dean, but he's going to be fine. You've made damn sure of that. I don't now a thing about John Winchester but what I do know is that boy looks at you like you're his father."

\-------------------------

Dean got to town fairly late and checked into a motel before he called Sam.

"Hey, I know it's kind of late, but maybe we could meet up for breakfast in the morning?"

Sam gave him a time and a place and Dean just laid back on the bed. How many nights had he spent in motels exactly like this one, unable to sleep, watching Sam to make sure that he was okay? He didn't regret a minute of it and he'd do it all over again, but it just made him realize how big of a bastard their father had been. Sometimes he felt like he should miss him more than he did, but he was finally feeling like he fit, like he found a place. Bobby was more of a father to him than John had ever been. Ellen may be tough as nails, but she doted on him and Bobby. He wasn't always worried about what was around the corner waiting for him. His biggest problems right now were the damn pickup truck that they couldn't get to turn over, and how shitty he felt about what he'd done to Cas. He didn't know why that weighed so heavily on his mind, probably because he'd never had a real friend before. Not somebody that he could lay on the hood of his car with and admit to things that he'd never considered telling anyone else. He finally drifted off, fully clothed, like he had done so many times before. 

He didn't know why he was so nervous to meet up with Sam. Maybe it was because he felt like he was meeting a stranger. Sam was full of dimpled smiles and hugs when Dean walked into the diner. Sam could see the change in his brother.

"You look good, Dean."

"Well, I always have been the handsome one." Dean grinned. 

"So, you're still at Bobby's. No more..."

"Nope, you can check the trunk. I'm done with it, Sam. I am becoming the crown prince of salvaged cars and scrap metal. I'm thinking of making up some business cards, but I haven't found a design I like yet."

"Wait, did I just hear a little bit of pride in your voice?"

"Not everybody can do the college thing, although we both know I'd make a hell of a lawyer. I can argue my way out of anything."

Sam laughed, "No, you can charm and flirt your way out of anything."

"Hey, if you've got it..."

The waitress set their plates down and Sam just kept looking up at Dean.

"What, Sam?"

"I don't know, Dean. You just seem so..."

"Weak and soft in my old age?"

"Not at all. To be honest, this is probably the strongest I've ever seen you. If I didn't know you better I'd think that you might actually be happy."

"Hey, no throwing insults at breakfast." Dean smiled. Those words meant a lot to him coming from his brother.

"Listen Sam, I hate chick flick moments so this is going to be real quick. I just wanted to apologize. I haven't been a good brother to you. I know that when you left for school, I had dad's back and I left you in our dust. I turned my back on you and spent years wanting to be just like him."

"Dean, if you hadn't covered for me, if you hadn't stepped in between me and dad, I wouldn't be in law school. I left the life, and I left you. I hate that's how it happened. But dad is gone, and you're not hunting. You know, when I was at Bobby's, Ellen told me that no matter what happens, we always have family. I've got you and I've got Bobby, and you coming here tells me that you still haven't given up on me."

"How could I? In a few years you're going to be my rich brother who will loan me money." Dean winked. "Chick flick moment over. Now tell me about...Jess, right? Did I get it right this time?"

Sam laughed and handed Dean his phone. "That's her."

"Damn! How in the hell did you find your way into that lane? She is way out of your league, Sammy."

"Yeah, I know. Just don't tell her that. The worst part is, she's also sweet and smart. Seriously out of my league. What about you? Still loving 'em and leaving 'em in the backseat of the Impala?"

"Oh, so you heard about my summer vacation." Dean laughed. "Nah, I got it out of my system. I think."

They spent hours sitting in the booth trading stories. Dean told Sam about Bobby, Ellen, and his summer with Jo. Sam told Dean about Jess, his classes, and a few sordid details of the party life at Stanford. In the end, they looked at each other and both saw the men that they were meant to be.

They walked out of the diner and stopped at Dean's car, "You know Sam, Bobby misses you. This isn't a guilt trip, I know that a salvage yard in South Dakota is slumming it, but he's always seen us as his. Both of us."

Sam dropped his head and looked at his feet, "I know Dean. I've thought about it, but it's just hard, ya know. I mean the last time I was there..."

"Okay, I learned a valuable lesson, unfortunately I had to learn it literally. You have to face your demons. Now get your ass back to that hot blonde and boring classes."

"Thanks Dean," Sam whispered when Dean pulled him into a bear hug. "I'm glad you came."

\------------------------- 

Dean heard his phone buzz while he was throwing his clothes back into his bag. It was Cas.

"Hey Cas, I honestly didn't know if you'd call." Oh god, that was definitely schoolgirl crush material right there.

"Yeah, well I'm in Sioux Falls and just wanted to see how everything was."

"Well, I'm in Cali. I came to visit my brother, but I'm heading home now. How long are you going to be in town?"

"A few days at least. An issue came up that I have to deal with." Cas hated lying to Dean, but he couldn't exactly tell him that he'd never left and that he was the issue.

"I should be home tomorrow. Do you want me to call you when I get there?"

"Yeah, that would be great. So we'll talk tomorrow?"

"Yep."

Dean hung up the phone and his mind wander back to Cas. His mind had been wandering to Cas a lot over the last few days. Dean couldn't explain it. There was that whole kindred spirit thing, but Dean didn't really believe in that shit. He really didn't feel any type of attraction to him, so it's wasn't a gay experimental thing. He was just drawn to Cas, he felt like he needed to protect him, take care of him. 

They starting hanging out almost every night. Dean had already laid down the rules that they weren't going to play pool again, and for some reason the bar or the diner just didn't feel right. Sometimes they would just drive around, sometimes they would lay on the hood of the car. Dean showed Cas what a salvage yard looked like at night as they wandered around the maze of junk. Cas talked about the beauty in the way the moonlight bounced off of the metal and made it look like art. Cas saw the beauty in everything. He opened Dean's eyes. 

\-------------------------

Bobby knew how much time Dean was spending with Cas, he saw them walking around the yard at night. He wasn't real comfortable with it at first until Ellen pulled him away from the window.

"Bobby Singer, stop being so damn nosy."

"I just wonder if Dean knows what he's doing."

Ellen looked her husband square in the eye, "I know that you look at those Winchester boys like they are still boys. Dean is a grown man and he needs to live his life and make his own decisions. Now, whatever is going on between the two of them ain't none of your damn business."

Bobby shook his head, he would never admit it, but Ellen was right. He walked back to his desk and started poring through books. He had some translation he was working on for a hunter. He looked up when Ellen closed the blinds and walked into the kitchen to get him a drink.

\-------------------------

Dean hadn't really been drinking, other than the occasional beer while he was working or a few glasses of whiskey at night with Bobby and Ellen, but it had been a hell of a day. They finally got the pickup started just to find out that the transmission was shot. He blew a radiator hose on their one working tow truck on his way to a pick up, and had to try and fix it with duct tape just to make it there and back. And for some reason it seemed like every person who drove a Volvo or Saab came looking for parts that they didn't carry. He was frustrated and he was beat. He finally texted Cas that he was going to the bar, he could meet him there if he wanted. He knew that Cas wasn't much of a drinker, so he didn't really expect him to show. A few shots of tequila later, he was surprised to see Cas slide onto the bar stool next to him. He signaled for a beer and turned to Dean.

"So, what's up?"

"Day from grease monkey hell. Right now I hate cars and the people who drive them."

Cas tried not to smile, Dean was always pretty cute when he was irritated. "You're welcome to give me details, but remember that I don't know a thing about cars."

Dean threw back another shot, "Nah, details are boring. It's a big fucking salvage yard, but I felt like the walls were closing in."

"I'm sorry."

"Unless you drive a Volvo or a Saab, there's no reason to be sorry."

The bartender set Cas's beer down and he started to nurse it. He didn't like the taste, but he always remembered how Dean would ask him to eat or drink sometimes for appearances. He needed to look human. 

"You didn't feel like drinking with Bobby and Ellen tonight?" Cas smiled. Dean just glared at him and ordered another shot. Cas knew that Dean could drink, seriously drink, but he also knew when Dean was drunk and it was time to cut him off. "Okay Dean, let's get out of here."

"And go where? I'm in no condition to drive and I don't trust you for shit behind the wheel of my car."

"We'll get you a room and you can sober up."

Dean just grinned at him, "Are you propositioning me, Cas?"

"No. Now come on." Cas helped him out of the bar and they walked to the motel. Cas knew that it wasn't right that he'd been taking money here and there, but Dean thought that he had a job, he needed to have something to show for it. He got Dean a room, helped him up the stairs, and sent Bobby a text from Dean's phone telling him not to worry. Dean finally laid down on the bed and Cas turned off the lights, he couldn't remember how many times he'd had to do this before, he knew the routine. 

"Cas, don't go." Dean softly mumbled. "Stay with me."

"That's probably not a good idea, Dean."

"You can lay next to me on the hood of my car, but you can't lay next to me in a bed? I'm not the big bad wolf. Hell, I probably killed that son of a bitch a long time ago."

Cas was torn. Dean was drunk enough that he let that slip, he may keep talking in hunter terms and he'd never forgive himself. But, Cas still had a hard time saying no to him. He wished he could just walk out the door and shut it behind him. Instead, he shut the door and sat in a chair. He couldn't be close to Dean, not tonight. 

"So you're going to sit, and I'm going to lay down? It's like we're playing therapist. Do you want to know my deepest darkest secrets, Cas?"

"No, Dean. I think that you should probably try to just sleep this off..."

Dean struggled to sit up, "open forum in the dark. What do you want to know? I have a shit ton of deep and dark secrets. Give me 15 minutes and I could have you walking out of this room so afraid of me that you'd never want to see me again."

"Dean..."

"Do you know what hunters are, Cas? I don't mean the ones who go play in the woods looking for deer, I mean hunters, Do you know that monsters are real?"

Cas wanted to leave, he didn't want to have this conversation. He said the only thing that he could think of.

"Yes, I do know what hunters are. I know about werewolves, vampires, djinn, vengeful spirits. There's a lot more, but we'll be up all night if I try to list them all."

"How in the hell do you know all of that?" Dean asked quietly.

"I just do. You need to sleep this off before you keep saying things that you'll regret."

"So if you know all of that, then you know that I'm a fucking monster. I'm John Winchester's boy. I killed a demon once. How many people can say that?"

Cas started crying quietly, he wasn't prepared for this. He tried so hard not to think about that night.

Dean laid back down, "I know you're crying, Cas. I'm sorry. Just come over here, I'll shut up."

"Dean, I can't."

"I'm not him, and it's dark. Please Cas."

Cas quietly climbed onto the bed, hating himself for giving in. At least Dean would pass out soon, and he could go back to the chair, or disappear entirely. Dean reached down and grabbed his hand. "Cas, I'm a fuck up. I'm a total fuck up. If you know about hunters, then you already know that. I was one of the best, I was better than my father. I don't even know what my kill count is at this point."

"Dean..."

"I'll shut up. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm drunk, your sober and I am going to hate myself."

"It's part of who you were, don't worry about it."

Cas thought that Dean had finally drifted off and moved to get out of the bed when Dean pulled him back, "He was a hunter, wasn't he?"

"Dean, I can't do this now. Please."

"God Cas, all I do is make you cry. One of these days I'm going to fuck up bad enough that you'll stop taking my calls. What am I supposed to do then?" He pulled Cas to him and kissed him, sliding his tongue along Cas's lips, encouraging him to open his mouth. Cas closed his eyes and started to kiss him back but then pulled away quickly.

"No Dean, not like this."

"Because I'm drunk? Or not at all?"

Cas didn't have an answer to that. He didn't know what to say. He desperately wanted to leave, he was starting to hate the hold that Dean had on him. The hold that he would always have on him. "I honestly hope that you don't remember any of this, because you are going to regret the things that you've said. But this? This you would really regret?"

"Would you?"

"Dean, just get some sleep, okay? I can't do this."

"What? Be my in the dark experimental gay experience?"

Cas started to really cry. That statement cheapened so many things for him.

"You really are an asshole." Cas said as he stood up to leave. He could disappear, but he had to make a show of walking out the door.

"Cas! No, please..." Dean said. He stood up and put his body between Cas and the door. "Okay, this looks like a creepy imprisonment thing, and I'm sorry. I was eventually going to bring up the hunting thing, but how do you start that conversation when you're sober? And the kiss? I was totally out of line. I get why I freak you out sometimes, but I wish I didn't." He reached out and put his hand on the side of Cas's face, wiping the tears away with his thumb. That only made Cas cry harder. "You'll never stop comparing me to him, will you? No matter what I do, you'll always see him."

Cas slid to the floor and leaned back against the bed, "It will never make sense to you, Dean."

Dean squatted down in front of him and took his hands, "It doesn't have to make sense. I'm me, and I'm here. He isn't. Maybe you really can't give a shit about me, but could you at least try? I don't know what it is about you, Cas. It's not an experimental gay thing and I feel like such an asshole for saying that. You just need to decide if you are going to spend the rest of your life mourning some guy who was stupid enough to leave you, or if you are going to move on and live. It's your call." Dean leaned forward, kissed Cas on the forehead, and stood up. "Just let me know when you've made your decision."

Cas felt Dean crawl back on the bed while he sat on the floor crying. He was so sick of crying. That's all he'd done for over a year. He just wanted to let go. He never should have put himself in a position to be a part of Dean's life again. It wasn't fair to either one of them. He knew that Dean was still awake when he stood up. He felt Dean reach for him, and he let him. "Come here" Dean whispered. Cas laid down next to him and let Dean wrap his arms around him. He let himself get lost in how Dean felt, how he sounded, the way that his skin smelled. He wasn't even thinking when he rolled over and searched for Dean's eyes in the dark. He let Dean put his hand on the side of his face and run his thumb along his cheekbone again, only this time there weren't any tears. He let Dean pull him in for a kiss and heard him whisper, "I won't regret it." Cas rolled on his back and let Dean settle between his legs. He felt the familiar mouth move it's way across his jaw and down his neck. He ran his hands up the back of Dean's shirt and could fell that his muscles were more defined, but he still felt like Dean. 

Dean had never been with a man, he had never considered being with a man, but right now he couldn't imagine being anywhere else. He shivered when he felt Cas slip his hands up his back and pull his shirt over his head. He bent down and started to slowly slide Cas's shirt up, kissing and softly biting his stomach and chest until he was finally able to push it over his head and drop it on the floor. He pressed his lips against Cas's, sliding his tongue in to softly explore his mouth. When he felt Cas start rocking his hips he moaned and reached between them to run his hand across Cas through his pants. He could feel Cas shaking beneath him and he knew that this was his one shot. He fumbled with the button and zipper with one hand until he eventually freed Cas's hard cock and he wrapped his hand around it. This all seemed so easy, so right. He heard Cas whimper and he started stroking him slowly, while his own cock grew painfully hard in his pants. He wanted to feel Cas, all of Cas. He stood up, slipped Cas's pants off, and dropped his own to the floor before crawling back between Cas's legs, trapping their hard cocks against their stomachs. Cas was rocking his hips, and the friction was enough to drive Dean crazy. Their lips met in a passionate kiss and Dean moaned against Cas's mouth when he felt Cas's hands pressing on his lower back, trying to push their bodies closer. Dean had never felt anything like this, and he knew that he was going to come. "Cas...I'm..." he whispered as he started rocking harder. "Me too Dean..." With a few more thrusts, Dean exploded all over their stomachs and kept rocking until he heard Cas call his name. He collapsed, sweaty and out of breath on top of Cas, still gently moving his hips until he couldn't take it anymore. He leaned up and put a hand on either side of Cas's face before he bent down to kiss him softly. He could feel Cas crying and knew that it was the first time he'd been with anyone since he'd been left behind. Dean finally rolled on his back and let Cas clean him up with tissues he found on the nightstand. They didn't say a word when he pulled Cas to him and Cas rested his head on Dean's chest. Just before dozing off, Dean kissed the top of Cas's head and pulled him closer.

Cas laid there, listening to Dean sleep, wondering what tomorrow would bring.

\-------------------------

Cas was up, showered, and dressed before Dean finally sat up in bed. Dean squinted his eyes against the sunlight that filtered through the cheap curtains. He ran his fingers through his hair and yawned. "So, breakfast? I'll buy." Cas was surprised, but he picked Dean's clothes up and handed them to him. "Is that your way of saying that I should probably shower?" Dean grinned. "Ugh, okay" he moaned as he crawled out of bed. He wrapped one arm around Cas's waist and kissed him softly before he went into the bathroom. Cas didn't know how to feel. How do you fall in love with somebody that you already love?

After breakfast, Cas walked Dean to his car. He told Dean that he'd just walk back to the motel. He might as well, it was just a couple of blocks in the opposite direction and he'd paid for the room. Dean reached out and rested an arm on either one of Cas's shoulders. He forced him to make eye contact. "I want to see you tonight, and I want to explain some things."

"Dean, you don't...."

"No Cas, I do." he pulled him close and felt Cas wrap his arms around his waist. They finally pulled away and Dean lifted Cas's chin, "I hope that last night happened because you made your decision." He kissed Cas gently, got in his car, and left.

Cas had made his decision.

\-------------------------

They were laying on the hood of the car, holding hands and looking up at the sky.

"My mother was killed when I was four years old. My brother was just a baby." Dean started, "I carried him out of the house and watched it burn to the ground. It wasn't the fire that killed her, it was a demon. My father never got over it. He was never able to move past it. Instead, he packed me and my little brother into this car and dragged us around the country looking for the damn thing. He became a hunter. I think I was probably 10 or 11 years old when I got my first solo kill. It was a werewolf, silver bullet and not too bloody. By the time I was a teenager I was killing everything I could get my hands on. We traveled, cheap motels were a way of life. The only place that ever felt like home was Bobby's. I tried to protect my little brother from the life. I always thought that he deserved more. The night of his first kill I locked myself in the motel bathroom and cried so hard that I ended up sick to my stomach. He told me that he wanted to leave the life and go to college, and it was pretty sad that we had to hide that from our father, talk about it when he wasn't around. I shouldn't have felt so blindsided when he left, but I was. I stuck with the old man, I worshiped him, I wanted to be him. I was always his good little soldier who called him 'sir' and did what he asked, but in the end I think that I was the one who killed him. I don't know how, but I found the demon that had killed my mother. We'd never figured out how to actually kill a demon, but there were theories and ideas. One of them was a special gun that was handmade by Samuel Colt. Somehow I ended up with that gun, I tracked that motherfucker down, and I put a bullet through it's chest. I always thought that I'd feel relieved when we got him, but I didn't. I felt like somebody had torn my heart out of my chest. I still can't explain exactly what happened because there are a lot of blank spots. When I told my father that I'd killed it, he got angry. It was his kill, not mine. He changed after that, he quit giving a shit about anything. About me, about himself. The hunts became sloppy and sometimes I felt like I was teaching a newbie or trying to protect him. He got a call from Bobby and I encouraged him to go, I was getting tired of hunting with him. Bobby called me the next night to tell me that my father had been shot in the chest in a hunting accident. He died a couple of days later. Bobby doesn't know it, but I know that it wasn't an accident. I know that my father shot himself. I blamed myself for a long time until I realized that his life had been about that demon kill, and never about me and my brother. I don't miss him, but I feel like I should. I left the life after he died, I just couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. Bobby had walked away from it years ago and he's been able to show me how to live a life outside of the shadows. I may be just a mechanic at a salvage yard, but I don't have to hide who I am anymore. I don't ask myself if what I'm doing is right or wrong. I wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat as necessary. That's the clean and short version. My life has been ugly, Cas."

"But it's not ugly anymore, Dean." Cas said, squeezing his hand.

"None of that scares you?"

"No."

"Because he was a hunter?"

Cas took a deep breath, "I don't want to talk about him anymore."

"Because of last night."

"Yes and no. You were right, and I made my decision. He's never coming back, and it has been destroying me. I've been letting it destroy me. He told me that it would be easier if I could find a way to hate him, but I don't. I need to let him go."

"Do you still see him when you look at me?"

"I'm trying not to. I know that you are two entirely different people."

"Is that a good thing? Or a bad thing?"

"It just is."

Dean reached over and pulled Cas to him. "I've never let anybody get close to me. It's always seemed so messy and pointless.'

Cas let out a small laugh, "I've done nothing but cry for two days. That's pretty messy."

"Yeah, but it's not pointless."

They laid in silence and this time Cas let Dean fall asleep on the hood of the car while he looked up at the sky. 

\--------------------------

Ellen noticed the change in Dean before Bobby did. He was out late every night, and some nights he didn't come home at all, but he still walked out to that yard every day and busted his ass. He smiled more and laughed more. He was calm. He was in love. Dean had gone out when she finally brought it to Bobby's attention.

"You may not want to admit it because you're old fashioned, but that boy of ours is in love."

"With Cas?" 

Dean had introduced Cas to Bobby and Ellen. Ellen like him at first sight, and she saw the way that he looked at Dean. 

"Yes, with Cas. Now don't you go getting all judgmental. If anyone knows what Dean has been through, it's you. That boy loves you like you are his daddy and if you don't support him in what he wants, it will tear him up. He deserves love just as much as anyone else, maybe more. If Cas gives that to him, then you need to accept it. And I think it's time you started talking to him about getting his own place."

Bobby leaned over and kissed his wife on the cheek. "That boy means the world to me."

\-------------------------

"Dean, will you come over here? I need some help with something."

"Sure Bobby" Dean yelled from underneath the tow truck. That thing was going to drive him to drink, again. "What's up?"

"I don't know if I ever told you, but I own about 20 acres here. Technically speaking the houses on either side and the one behind the yard belong to me. I just rent them out. Folks just moved out of the one right there to the south and it needs some work."

"Real estate investment, never saw that coming. But, I can help you fix it. What does it need?"

"Ellen and I were talking and we'd be a lot more comfortable if somebody were to move into it and work on it in their spare time..."

It took Dean a minute to catch on to what Bobby was trying to tell him. "You're asking me to move in there?"

"I'm happy to let you stay here for as long as you want, but I figured that eventually you might like a place of your own. It's in solid condition, but it could use a tune up. I'd pay for whatever needs fixin'. I figure I should also make an honest man of ya and start paying you a wage, you've been 'helping out' for entirely too long. My business has probably tripled since you've been here."

Dean didn't know what to say. His own house, a real job.

"Sure Bobby, I'd be happy to take it off your hands. We can deal with the wage issue later, but I'm going to insist that you change the sign to 'Singer and Son Salvage". Dean smiled. He wanted to say so much more but both he and Bobby hated sentiment.

"Okay, well get back to that tow truck. We need that thing running ASAP. And I ain't changing my damn sign."

\-------------------------

Cas had kept the room so that he and Dean had somewhere to be together. Their sex life was even more intense than it had been before, Dean was insatiable. Cas always dragged him into the shower afterwards to wash him off. He still loved the way that Dean's skin felt when they stood under the warm water.

Dean was standing behind Cas while Cas hogged all of the hot water, "Cas, what are those?"

"What?"

"Those marks? The ones on your back?"

Cas knew that his wing marks were imperceptible, Dean had never mentioned them before. "They've been there since I was born."

"So they're birthmarks?"

"Kind of." Cas shut off the water and grabbed the towels. He needed to tell Dean the truth. He dried Dean's body and threw on their boxers. Cas pulled Dean down onto the bed and turned off the lamp.

"Again? But we just..."

"Open forum in the dark, right?"

"That's the rule," Dean said slowly.

Cas took a deep breath, "You told me you're story, it's time you heard mine. You killed a demon, so you must know that there's another side."

"Meaning?"

"Good and bad, black and white, hell and heaven."

"I never really thought about it."

"There is another side, Dean. That demon was from hell, I'm from heaven."

"Okay, I'm seriously confused Cas."

"I'm an angel. An angel of the lord. Those marks on my back are where my wings are held." Cas was holding his breath.

"Wait, you're serious. You're an angel? I didn't think that angels were real."

"We are." Cas got out of bed and turned on the lamp. He knew that his wings were too large to completely open in this room, but he could show part of them. "Give me 15 seconds and I could have walking out of this room so afraid of me that you'd never want to see me again." He closed his eyes and let the tips of his wings show. He pulled them back in and looked at Dean. "Okay, is that a look of fear or disgust?"

"More like fascination. What in the hell Cas? You really are an..."

"An angel, yes. But I have never lied to you. I do work for a charitable organization, kind of. I do supervise other angels. My father is a religious zealot. Wait, I have lied."

"What?" Dean's facial expression hadn't changed and Cas didn't know what to think.

"I don't need to eat, drink, or sleep. I eat and drink for appearances. Somebody once told me that it was a little too obvious to sit at dinner and not order."

"Wait, so you're really an angel?"

"Yes Dean." Cas was worried, Dean looked upset.

"Can I touch them?"

"My wings?"

"Yeah"

"We aren't supposed to let anybody touch our wings. It's considered too...intimate. But, we also aren't supposed to consort with humanity. I was sent down here years ago to deal with a temporary situation and it kind of spiraled."

"That's how you know about hunters..."

Cas just nodded.

"So you and me..."

"They know about it, and they don't like it, but they turn a blind eye."

"Okay, Cas. You're going to have to give me a minute to digest this."

"Are you upset?"

"Oh god no! Wait, is it weird when I say god?"

"No" Cas laughed.

"I'm not upset at all. I've seen a lot of crazy shit in my life, and just when I thought that it couldn't get crazier, it always did. I've just always seen you as a man, I mean I know that you're a man. I really know that you're a man, but an angel and heaven and god and all of that..."

"You can touch them." Cas whispered.

"Are you sure? I mean, it won't hurt you or anything?"

"I'm sure." he let them out again and Dean gently ran his fingertips across them. He could feel Cas shaking. He finally pulled his hand away and watched Cas pull them back in.

"Cas...I..." tears welled up in the corners of Dean's eyes, he could feel the intimacy. "I don't now what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything."

Dean wrapped his arms around him and cried against his neck, "Thank you, Cas." 

\-------------------------

"You know that there's a joke in there somewhere, right?" Dean asked while he held Cas in the dark.

"A joke in where?"

"So an angel and a hunter walk into a bar..."

\-------------------------

Bobby watched Cas help Dean move some things into the house. He had accepted that Cas was who Dean needed, he just wasn't used to seeing it. The hunter's life was so testosterone driven that he never would have expected it, especially from Dean. But, Ellen was right, Dean looked happy and Cas looked at Dean like nothing in the world mattered but him.

\-------------------------

"Bobby wants me to go up to his cabin. I fixed the electrical awhile back, but I guess somebody called him and said they thought he had a busted pipe. I probably forgot to turn the water off when I left. Do you want to go with me?"

Cas panicked, he'd been able to move past a lot, but he didn't think that he could do that. "I don't know. I have some things that I need to take care off..."

Dean cut him off with a kiss, they were standing in their kitchen in their house and life couldn't be more perfect.

"You're not playing fair, Dean Winchester."

"So." Dean murmured from where his face was buried in Cas's neck, his hands sliding down to squeeze Cas's ass and pull him closer. He stepped forward until he had Cas trapped against the side of the refrigerator and started grinding his hips.

"You're going to try to use sex to convince me?"

"You're damn right I am" Dean whispered as he pulled Cas's shirt over his head and started running his hands down his chest. He reached between them and undid Cas's pants before he dropped to his knees. Cas was already hard. He wrapped his hand around the base and slid his tongue across the head of Cas's cock. Cas moaned so he started to slowly stroke the shaft while he kissed and swirled his tongue around the head. He knew that Cas was watching him so he looked up and they locked eyes when Dean slid his mouth down the length, sucking and licking as he went. Cas tangled his fingers in Dean's hair and tried to hold still. Dean knew how to please him and it wasn't long before he was throbbing and moaning. Dean slid his mouth all of the way down and felt the hot sticky come slide down his throat. He gently licked and sucked until he knew that Cas was too sensitive to take much more. He pulled his pants back up, zipped and buttoned them, and grabbed Cas's face, pulling him in for a long kiss. "Now what were you saying?" he whispered.

Cas had already fallen in love with Dean all over again, and he knew that this was the last hurdle. He needed to move past it. "Okay, I'll go." he whispered.

"Okay" Dean smiled, he'd won this round. "Be up bright and early to leave in the morning. Wait, you don't sleep. Make sure that I'm up bright an early." he kissed Cas again and went to pack a bag.

\-------------------------

"The end of May? Seriously? I am so proud of you."

Cas could hear Dean sitting on the front porch talking to Sam. He couldn't stop smiling when he heard Dean talk about Sam graduating. Dean had done what he'd set out to do.

"Of course I'll be there. I know that Bobby needs to stay to run the yard, but I'll force him to buy you some really sappy Hallmark card. You know that I'm buying a house from him, right? Yeah, it's awesome. It needs some work, but we've been getting a lot done. No, not me and Bobby, I have somebody living with me. Actually it's a 'he'. His name is Cas, he's absolutely amazing. Okay, I know it's weird but yes, I am happy. I do love him. Oh, you'll definitely meet him. I don't know if I'll be able to talk him into coming out there for your graduation, he's pretty shy, but our house is big enough for you to come here any time you want. And, we're not inside of the salvage yard, so our view is a little better. Okay, thanks, talk to you soon man."

Cas tried to act like he hadn't heard a thing. Dean came out to Sam, said that he loved him, and told him that this was their house. 

\-------------------------

Cas could feel his heart pounding when they pulled up in front of the cabin. He didn't know why he was so nervous. It may be the place where Dean told him goodbye, but he knew that Dean would never tell him goodbye again. He was Dean's once in a lifetime love and although he didn't say it, Dean knew it. It wasn't bittersweet when Dean unlocked the door. Bobby was alive, married, and happy. Singer Salvage wasn't a burnt pile of wreckage. Sam was almost done with law school. This was the life that Dean had wanted. Dean dropped their bag on the couch and turned around, "See? I told you it was beautiful up here."

"It is." Cas whispered.

"So," Dean said, wrapping his arms around Cas's waist, "If I get working on that water pipe now then that will give us a couple of days alone up here with running water. There are things that I want to show you."

Cas just stood in the middle of the room and looked around. This weekend would be his goodbye to the old Dean. He started putting things away and was shaking out blankets when Dean came back in, filthy from crawling under the cabin. "Yep, busted pipe but it looks like I brought enough to replace the piece. It shouldn't take me long and then we'll have water." and he took off outside before Cas could say a word. Dean got the water running, the electrical running, and checked for mice just like he had before. Cas was a little disappointed that the shower was too small for two, so Dean went in by himself and got cleaned up. Dean ate something, and again laid on the couch with his head in Cas's lap until he fell asleep. When he woke up the next morning, it was Cas who suggested a hike. He didn't have to ask Dean not to think about hunting this time. Dean just wanted to show him things. They found the old rope swing, they found the spot in the stream where the brothers used to build dams, and Dean stopped in front of the tree on their way back to the cabin to run his hand across the bark. Cas wanted to cry, but he didn't. This was a different Dean, in a different time, and these were new memories. Dean didn't push him back against it this time, he grabbed his hand and they walked back to the cabin. 

They crawled into the bed that night and spent hours just touching and kissing, they way the used to do in the bunker. Dean covered every inch of Cas's body with his fingertips and mouth. He was more passionate yet gentle than he'd ever been. Cas knew that they just had to get through tomorrow night and he could put all of it behind him. 

Cas had acquired a taste for coffee, so they both drank as they sat on the porch, Dean leaning back against his chest, just talking. Dean talked about Bobby and Ellen. He made Cas laugh with his stories about Jo He talked about how proud he was of Sam. He talked about things he wanted to do to their house. He talked until his voice was raw and the sun was going down. 

Cas was placing the split logs in the fireplace when Dean walked in. "Whatcha doing, baby?" Cas smiled when Dean called him that.

"I wanted to build a fire."

"Hopeless romantic." Dean mumbled before he pulled Cas to him. 

Cas was nervous when he sat down in front of the fire, until he felt Dean sit behind him. He closed his eyes and waited. Dean ran his hands up the back of Cas's shirt, stopping just below his marks. Cas pulled his shirt over his head and Dean leaned in to softly kiss the marks, "I don't deserve you, Cas" he whispered. as he reached around and ran his hands up his chest. Dean knew what this did to Cas, and Cas knew that Dean wanted to feel close to him, but not because he was planning on leaving. He gently slid his fingertips over the marks and kissed Cas's neck and shoulders. Cas was lost in the feeling of Dean's hands, of Dean's mouth. Cas said goodbye to the other Dean and turned to lock eyes with this one. They were an even more beautiful shade of green, his face was more perfect, he had lines around his eyes because he smiled and laughed. He looked at Cas like he couldn't get enough. Cas slowly laid back on the floor and Dean pulled his own shirt off before he crawled between Cas's legs and slowly sunk down until they were chest to chest, never taking his eyes off of Cas's face. "You are so beautiful, Cas" he whispered before he leaned down for a long and lingering kiss. Cas slid his hands up and down Dean's back and across his shoulders, feeling the definition of each muscle earned from working so hard. This was the Dean he was in love with. "I want to feel you" he whispered in Dean's ear. Dean nodded and got on his knees to pull Cas's boxers down. He slid out of his own and slid the folded up blanket underneath Cas. He pressed their bodies together again and kissed Cas softly before trailing his lips down his neck and across his collarbone. He got up on his knees again and ran his hands all over Cas's body, watching his face in the fire light. Cas looked over and nodded at the bottle of lube that he'd brought. Dean smiled and winked as he picked it up and spread Cas's legs. He leaned down for a kiss when he slid in the first finger, knowing how to move to bring Cas pleasure. Cas always cringed when he felt the second finger, but Dean knew how to make him relax. Dean was taking his time, he was being gentle. He knew what Cas wanted when he slid his hips against his fingers, so he pulled them out and slid his cock in, holding Cas's hips to keep him still. He wanted to remember the look on Cas's face with he felt Dean's cock inside of him. He could have stayed like that all night. Sometimes he didn't understand what Cas saw in him, but when he thought about trying to live without Cas, he couldn't breathe. Cas was his everything. Finally he leaned down and pressed their bodies together, running one hand down the side of Cas's face. He slowly started to rock his hips, rubbing Cas's sweet spot with his cock, trapping Cas's between their bodies. They were teasing themselves and each other by moving so slowly. Dean didn't have to reach for Cas, he just slid his body against him and felt him get harder and harder with each movement. Their need finally took over and Dean started thrusting harder, still sliding against Cas. He felt Cas come on his stomach just before he exploded. He was shaking, he could barely think straight, he had never had an orgasm like that. Not with anyone. He gently laid his tired and sweaty body on top of Cas and tried to catch his breath. "I love you" he whispered. It was the first time he'd said those three words. Tears started dripping out of the corners of Cas's eyes. Dean lifted his head, 'What baby? What''s wrong?". He dropped soft kisses all over Cas's face. "I love you too, Dean."

Dean finally rolled over and Cas handed him tissues so that he could wipe his stomach off. They laid on the floor, side by side, holding hands. "I really don't want to leave tomorrow" Dean whispered.

"Neither do I, but we still have some work to do on the house and your leaving in a few days for Sam's graduation."

Dean let go of Cas's hand and turned on his side, propped up on his elbow. "Are you sure you don't want to come with me."

"Sam's graduation is really important to you. I want you to focus on him and not on introducing him to your boyfriend now that he knows that you have one."

"Sam doesn't care that I have a boyfriend. Sam wants me to be happy, and I know the two of you will get along."

Cas smiled, he knew that they would too. "This is about you and Sam and something that you've spent your entire life wanting for him. Put him in a headlock and make him promise to come out to South Dakota. We'll have the house ready soon."

Dean kissed him on the forehead and laid back down, "I already told him that he owes Bobby and Ellen a visit. I guess now it's Bobby and Ellen and Dean and Cas."

"I like how that sounds."

Dean pulled Cas to him, "that's how it is. That's your life now. You have me, a grumpy bear of a father in law, a tough as nails mother in law who will dote on you but never admit it, and a seriously smart and nerdy brother in law."

"I'll take it."

They kissed one last time before Dean drifted off.

\-------------------------

Nobody but Dean knew that Cas was an angel, and he was getting used to Cas being called upstairs for one reason or another. They'd told Bobby and Ellen that his job took him out of town, and they didn't ask questions. He got a call the night before Dean was supposed to leave for California. Dean was already asleep. Cas left him a note and card for Sam under his car keys and left.

Dean got up, nervous and excited to see his brother. Cas wasn't there, but he saw a note and a card with his keys. He grabbed them both with his bag and thermos and headed out. He shoved the note in his pocket, put the card on the passenger seat, and left with a smile on his face. He couldn't believe that Sam was about to graduate. He got to the motel late and hung up the suit that he'd brought. He hadn't worn a suit since he tried to con people into believing that he was with the FBI during his hunting days, He'd gotten rid of those suits, Ellen had bought him this one. His nerves kept him up all night. He wanted to call Cas, but knew that he wouldn't answer. He finally dozed off just before dawn and was able to get in a few hours before he had to get up and shower. 

His eyes filled with tears when he heard Sam's name called and watched him walk across the stage to get his diploma. He left the auditorium before the majority of the crowd and waited outside. Sam was 6' 4" so he was easy to spot when he finally made it outside. He was surrounded by people giving him hugs and handshakes. Dean just stood back and watched, he didn't want to interrupt. This was Sam's day. He finally saw Dean and handed his cap, gown, and diploma to a beautiful blonde girl before jogging over and pulling him into a bear hug. 

"You came."

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world, Sammy."

"Wow, and you even dressed up. Who bought the suit? Cas or Ellen?"

"Ellen. Just because Cas is gay does not mean that he has any sense of style, trust me. We are the least stylish couple out there. We try to lay low so that we don't get banned. Speaking of, I have cards." He handed Sam a card from Bobby and Ellen and the card from Cas. 

"He seriously sent a card with you? He sounds, I don't know, civilized. How did you manage to find your way into that lane? He sounds way out of your league." Sam laughed before turning around, "Jess, come here."

The beautiful blonde came walking over and handed Sam back his things before she wrapped her arms around Dean. She finally let go and stepped back, blushing. "Sorry, I probably should have introduced myself. I'm Jessica, and of course you're Dean."

Dean smiled at her, "I am, and don't believe a word that Sam has said about me."

"Believe it or not, he only has good things to say."

"Okay, well you can believe those parts."

They heard somebody call her name in the distance and she grabbed Sam's things before leaning up to kiss him. "It was nice meeting you Dean. You should come to dinner with us tonight."

"Thanks, I'll think about it."

"Bye"

Dean just waved as she walked away. "Damn...WAY out of your league. I know that you're probably supposed to do this later, but open your cards. I'm dying to see if Ellen got the one I asked her to and I'd really like to know what kind of shit Cas has to say."

"Nosy bastard" Sam laughed as he opened them. Ellen had found the sappiest card that she possibly could and slid it to Bobby to sign while he was tired and busy. "Okay, now that's funny. I'm framing this." He opened the card from Cas, smiled, and handed it to Dean. It was just a simple graduation card and Cas had written "Congratulations Sam. I don't know who is more excited, you or Dean. I hope to meet you soon. Cas" Sam noticed the smile on Dean's face. Dean was head over heels in love. "Do you want to come to dinner? The Moore's, Jess's parents, have this whole big thing planned. You should come."

"No, you go do your thing with your girl and her family. Let's meet up for breakfast tomorrow."

"Sounds good," Sam gave Dean another hug before he walked away to join Jess and their friends.

\-------------------------

Dean got back to the motel and remembered that Cas had left him a note. It was just a simple 'had to go upstairs, I love you'. He folded it up and put it back in his pocket of his jeans before he got out of his suit and tried to track down something to eat.

\-------------------------

Sam looked tired when he slid into the booth across from Dean.

"Partying?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"You deserve it, Sammy. I am so damn proud of you."

"Thanks, Dean. Looks like we both turned out okay. I never would have thought that you'd be running the salvage yard."

"It is a glamorous life." Dean smiled.

"And I have to be honest, the whole homeowner and gay thing threw me a little."

"Yeah, how do you think I felt."

Sam laughed. "So, I wanted you to be the first to know that I'm going to propose to Jess."

"Really Sam? That's great. When did you decide that?"

"A few weeks ago. I don't know, I just looked at her sleeping one morning and realized that she's my once in a lifetime love. I probably sound overly dramatic, but she's it. I just can't see my life with anyone else. She puts up with a lot of shit, I mean, she lives with a Winchester."

"Yeah, let's not get her and Cas together to start bitching about what it's like to live with a Winchester."

They joked and threw insults back and forth while they ate. Dean got Sam to promise that he and Jess would come up this summer to visit. After a few more bear hugs and "I'm proud of you's", Dean got in his car and headed back home. He was running over his conversation with Sam when it hit him.

\-------------------------

Cas was sitting at the table reading the newspaper when Dean got home. He lifted his head, "Hey, how did it go."

"Amazing, I wish you would have gone with me."

"I know, I'm just not good at that type of thing."

Dean walked behind him and kissed the top of his head before he dropped two pieces of paper on the table in front of him. One was worn and frayed, you could barely read it. The other was new. Cas just stared at them.

"I have seriously been trying to figure this out since I left California, but I can't. I even pulled into a rest stop and studied the handwriting for at least an hour. It's the same. One of those has been in my wallet for over two years. The other one has been in my pocket for a few days. You were there. The Colt. The location. You were there, Cas."

"I didn't think that you'd keep it..."

"Do you know how many hundreds of times I have run my finger across those words, trying to figure out what in the hell they mean?"

"How did you...."

"Sam told me that he's planning to propose to his 'once in a lifetime' love. Did you know that I dug that out of the trash after my father crumpled it up and threw it away? I knew that it had to mean something."

"Dean..."

"You were there, Cas."

Cas dropped his head, "I was there. You knew the location because of me. I gave you the Colt."

"But how? What kind of fucking game are you playing?"

"Game?"

"That happened at least a year before we met. You knew who I was before you ever talked to me."

"I will never make sense to you."

"You told me that once before. We were talking about him, the one who left you." Dean sat down across from Cas, "look at me, Cas."

Cas lifted his head and locked eyes with Dean.

"God, all I ever do is make you cry. Was I always that way?"

"What?"

"Okay, maybe I'm fucking crazy here, but all I have to go by is how I feel and what you've said. You can't remember somebody that you've never met before, but if they are your once in a lifetime love, you'll just know, you'll feel it. Right?"

"I..."

"I knew you, Cas. The first time I sat down next to you I knew you. I already knew how your voice would sound. I knew how your skin would feel before I ever touched you and it freaked me the fuck out but I went with it because I knew, I knew that I loved you. That's why I have never been able to let you walk away. I'm him, aren't I?"

Cas just nodded.

"So I've been trying to help you get over me? How is that even possible? What happened? Seriously Cas, I'm not mad, I'm fucking confused as hell."

"I'm an angel, I have abilities. I sent you back. I sent you back to kill the demon."

"What does that even mean?"

"Follow me." Cas stood up and started walking toward the staircase. Dean shook his head and followed. Cas went into their room and laid on the bed. Dean laid down next to him. "Open forum in the dark. It's the only way I'm going to get through this. I need to just talk, and then you can decide what you want to do."

"What I want to do? Cas, what are you talking about?"

"My original orders were to come here and save one of the Winchesters, one of the Winchester brothers. That yellow eyed demon came back right before Sam interviewed for law school and he killed Jess. Sam never went back to school, he started hunting with you, even after your father died. Sam was killed, and you made a deal with a demon. You traded your soul for Sam's life. I was sent to raise you from hell and bring you back to earth, which I did. A lot of things happened, Dean. We don't have enough time for me to go through everything that happened and I don't want to talk about them anyway. Things got ugly, and they stayed ugly. Sam continued to hunt with you, and you became bitter and angry. I was there for years fighting with you, sometimes fighting against you. One night there was a hunt that went bad, it was brutal and it was bloody. Sam's priority was to escape, you knew that I was an angel and could probably take care of myself, but your priority was to save me. You took me back to where you were living and sat next to my bed for days just watching me, hoping that I would survive until you finally crawled into that bed and wrapped your arms around me. That's when everything changed. That's when I knew that I would love you for an eternity and it's when you knew that I was your once in a lifetime love. Your father had died, Bobby had died, Ellen and Jo had died."

Dean started crying softly

"We were 'together' for over a year. You took me up to Bobby's cabin and told me goodbye in your own way. I didn't know that when we got home you were going to ask me to use my abilities to send you back. You knew how to kill demons, you knew how to kill anything. Both you and Sam did. You wanted me to send you back to the night before the yellow eyed demon killed Jessica. You hated that Sam lost her and never finished school. You blamed yourself. You thought that if you could go back and kill the demon, then Sam's life would turn out differently. A part of me hated you for asking it of me, but I agreed. It was what you wanted and I didn't know how to refuse you, I still don't. We both knew that if you killed that demon then your path would change forever and we would never meet. You would forget about me, but I would never forget about you. You even asked me if I could come find you so that we could be together, but I told you no. You wouldn't be the same person, and I couldn't just show up on your doorstep. I found the Colt but I don't know why I put that note in the box, I took you to the mausoleum, and I even grabbed the demon so that you could shoot it. Then I disappeared from your life. I watched you kneeling in the dirt, I watched you sit in your car, but I didn't see you again until your father was dying."

"Why did you see me then?" Dean asked softly.

"I asked the reaper to wait until after Sam arrived. I watched you sleep one time, I just wanted to see you look peaceful. I didn't follow you around. I didn't keep track of you. But, I would go up to the cabin a lot."

"That tree?"

"You had a romantic moment and your carved our names in that tree, Dean. I was up there went you went up to fix the electrical for Bobby, and I'll admit that I did watch you walk around. The first night that you saw me at the bar? I can't explain that night. I had stayed away, but I found myself here and I wanted to see if you were happy. I tried to stay in the corner, I never expected you to see me, so I disappeared right after you looked at me. I was scared. I can't explain why I went to the bar the second time either. I guess I wanted to make sure that you were okay, if you were still hunting, I don't know. I never intended to talk to you, and I didn't know what to do when you talked to me. I was in love with Dean Winchester when you walked over and introduced yourself. That's when we met, that's when you gave me your phone number, that's when I asked myself if I had made a horrible mistake."

Dean reached over and grabbed Cas's hand.

"Did you?"

"No. I don't feel like I did. I loved you so much that I offered to give up my angel grace, but you wouldn't let me. I'd make you the same offer today. I got over Dean Winchester the day that I fell in love with Dean Winchester."

"I always kissed you on top of the head instead of telling you that I loved you, didn't I?"

"Yes, how did you know that?"

"Because when I kissed you on top of the head outside of the bar that night, I knew. I was a straight man who had slept with I don't know how many women. Triple digits, I know that much. But I kissed you on top of the head and I just knew. I had to keep stopping you from walking away until I could prove to you that I wasn't him. That I wasn't the guy who left you behind and broke your heart."

"You're not that guy. He was angry and bitter. He hated himself. He felt like he was nothing more than a hunter and expected to die bloody at a young age. But it was different when he was with me. He was sweet and gentle and I was the only one who knew that side of him existed. Sam didn't even know. I didn't come back to force my way into your life, Dean."

"But I asked you to, didn't I?"

"I knew that it wouldn't be the same. I knew that I would never get that Dean back, and it killed me because I loved him so much. He was my world."

"But here we are," Dean whispered. 

"I love you more now than I ever have."

"Why?"

"You hated yourself, Dean. You hated your life. You especially hated Sam's life. You didn't care if you lived or died. Now, you care. You have plans. You see a future. You don't hunt, you fix Bobby's tow truck and then you come home to me and ask for my opinion on what kind of water heater we should get. Maybe that doesn't sound like much, but it is. I always knew that you loved me, but I used to wonder why. I don't even ask myself that anymore."

They laid in silence, neither one knowing what to say. Cas finally broke the silence.

"So, I guess I've lied to you. I've deceived you. I understand if you're angry."

"I don't want to be the guy you described. Do you even know how I felt watching Sam graduate? How I felt when I met Jess? When Sam told me that he was going to propose? Do you know how I feel when I walk from the yard at the end of the day to our home, the home that I share with the man that I love, knowing that you'll be here with a hot shower and soapy hands? I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that I loved you," his voice cracked, "I should have told you every day. I should tell you every day. I asked you to find me because I love you. I can't even imagine a life without you. God, Cas, how could I be angry? You saved me from myself." He rolled over and pressed his lips gently against Cas's. "I saved that note in my wallet for a reason. I didn't know what that reason was, but I knew it was important. I was wrong. It wasn't important, it was everything."

 

\-------------------- PROLOGUE --------------------

Sam and Jess finally did come and visit that summer. Dean couldn't help but notice the huge ring she had on her finger and hugged them both before warning Jess about the family that she was marrying into. Both Sam and Jess fell in love with Cas immediately and Sam never found it strange when his 'player' brother wrapped his arm around another man, or snuck a kiss when the thought that nobody was watching. Cas and Dean just fit.

Jess agreed that they had absolutely no style, and with her degree in interior design she had the house completely stylized and a list made up of the paint, wallpaper, carpet, and furniture that they needed to buy. 

They threw BBQ's in Cas and Dean's yard and Sam couldn't help but notice that the tree they had planted had their names carved into it. He never knew that his brother could be such a hopeless romantic. 

Bobby, Ellen, and Jo came up and another set of hugs was passed around. Sam had been worried about how Jess would take it all in, but it didn't take long to realize that he was being a snob. Jess loved his family and they loved her. Especially the dog.

The dog was obviously a source of affectionate contention between Cas and Dean. Cas argued that Dean was the one who insisted upon getting the dog. Dean argued that he was the one who spent hours building a fence for him. But, Cas finally admitted that he named the dog Rocky, after the bar where he and Dean had first met (the second time). Nobody knew about their history, and nobody knew about Cas being an angel. All they knew was that Cas, Dean, and Rocky were happy. 

Jo cornered Dean in the yard and hugged him tight. "You still suck, but I'm happy for you. He's amazing, Dean. Don't let him go."

Sam had never seen his brother so happy, and Dean had never seen Sam so happy. Sam would never know that it took Dean's stubbornness and Cas's inability to say no to Dean to have made it all happen.

They laughed and joked and talked over each other until Dean finally made everyone quiet down. He wasn't one for speaking, but he knew that he had to get through this, and he wanted to do it in front of the people that he loved. He got down on one knee in front of Cas.

"Cas, you have changed my life for the better in ways that I never knew were possible, I see it every day when I look in the mirror. You truly are my angel, and I want to be the man that you see when you look at me. You have saved me from myself, and believed in me when I couldn't. You are my everything. You are my once in a lifetime love. Cas," He pulled a box out of his pocket. He opened it up to show a beautiful platinum band, "I know that we are forever, but I would be honored if you would wear this." Cas was in shock, but nodded. Ellen, Jo, and Jess all cried. Sam got teary eyed and smiled. He looked over at Bobby to see the same teary eyes and smile. Dean slipped the ring on Cas's finger and for the first time, they openly hugged and kissed. Jess jumped out of her chair to look at the ring and wrap her arms around both of them.

Dean stood at the edge of their yard just up the hill from the salvage yard and looked around. He had tears pouring down his face and he felt like he was going to burst. He didn't hear Bobby come up behind him until he felt the hand on his shoulder. "Son, I want you to hear me out. I'm an old man and a retired hunter. I don't always understand the way that things work these days. I was lucky enough to find me a beautiful and smart woman who in a moment of weakness decided to marry me. She told me that when she met Cas she knew that he was the one for you. I've learned that gay, straight thing, it don't matter. That boy makes you feel like the man that you want to be and that's everything. I don't ever want you second guessing yourself or wonder what John would think about all of this."

"None of this is about him, Bobby. This is about my family. The fact that Cas is my everything doesn't make sense to me, but I've realized that it doesn't have to. I have a father, a mother, an annoying younger sister, a brother, a beautiful sister in law, and someday soon I will be lucky enough that in a moment of weakness, Cas decided to marry me."

"I'm proud of you, Dean. Real proud."

\--------------------

Six months later Cas sat in a church pew just watching his handsome fiancee stand next to his brother as the best man at his wedding. Jess had never looked more beautiful and Sam cried when he saw her walking towards them. Cas twisted the ring on his finger, knowing that someday, he would be saying those words. 

\-------------------

Jess was already pregnant a year later when Cas and Dean finally had their wedding. Cas had willingly given up his grace and gotten a job, even though Dean objected at first. Cas wanted their lives to be simple, just two human beings spending their lives together. Dean wanted to have the ceremony up at the cabin by the pine tree, Cas didn't want his pregnant sister in law trudging through the woods, so they compromised and agreed to spend their honeymoon at the cabin and have the wedding in a small park just outside of town. They wanted to keep it simple, no best man, no flowers, and just family. Bobby pulled Dean aside one night and told him that he had become an ordained minister because if anybody should reside over their ceremony, it should be family. Dean had never seen Bobby sentimental like that, and it meant everything to him. Nobody ever questioned why Cas didn't have family there, nobody ever asked Cas what his last name was. They just accepted things as they were and they knew that by the end of the day he would be Mr. Castiel Winchester. They had decided to write their own vows, and Dean was nervous. The proposal had taken him days to get right. There was so much to say, and so little of it made sense to anyone other than he and Cas. Dean was a nervous wreck and must have read his vows 20 times to Jess while she helped him get ready. It didn't matter how many times she told him that they were perfect, he kept making small changes. He hadn't seen Cas since they kissed goodbye this morning and he couldn't help but wonder how he would look and what he would say. This wasn't an open forum in the dark, this was broad daylight in front of family. It was finally time and Ellen stood between them, walking them to the altar together. She held their matching platinum band and tried not to cry before the ceremony even began. 

Bobby began reading the words that he had asked Ellen to write, "We are all here today to be witness a declaration of love between two members of our family, Dean and Cas. They have decided to write their own vows, Dean?"

"Cas, I..." and he just stood there frozen. He finally crumpled up his note cards and dropped them on the ground. He reached forward and grabbed both of Cas's shaking hands in his, lifting them to his lips to kiss his knuckles. "I just need to say what I feel right now looking at you, not something that I've spent weeks trying to write on note cards. "The first time I sat down next to you, I already knew you. I knew how your voice would sound, how it would feel to wrap my arms around you. I told you how ugly my world has been and instead of walking away, you held my hand and told me that it doesn't matter because that's not my world anymore. You have taught me how to forgive myself. You have taught me that there is beauty in everything if you open your eyes and look at it. You have given me so many chances to show you what kind of man I am, and because of that I've learned to become a better man. You have never asked me for anything other than time and patience, and even when I couldn't give you that, you still stood by me. When I walk in our house at the end of the day it's not because it's my home and I can relax, it's because I know that you will be there waiting for me. It's been a long, and sometimes painful, journey Cas. But none of us would be here, not right now, not like this, if you hadn't been a part of it. I tell you that I love you every day, but it still isn't enough. You are my once in a lifetime, you are my forever." Ellen silently handed him Cas's wedding band.

Cas had already let his note card fall to the ground by his side and stared into Dean's eyes. "I see it all in your eyes, Dean. Your unconditional love, your happiness. When you look at me, everything else just falls away and the only thing that exists in that moment is you and I. No matter how hard things have gotten, you have never let me walk away. You never gave up. You have always done everything to could to keep me by your side. You've given me a part of yourself that nobody else knows, and that's everything. I get lost in the sound of your laughter and the love in your voice. I fall asleep every night to the sound of your heart beating. What we have and who we are only happens once in a lifetime, and you are my forever." Ellen silently handed him Dean's wedding band.

"I want to introduce you to Mr. and Mr. Winchester.

Cas and Dean leaned in for the sweetest kiss they had ever shared. "I love you" Dean whispered against Cas's mouth. "I love you too, Dean".


End file.
